My WWE Action Figures Came To Life! But Then Turned Heel
This is going to sound totally crazy, but I swear on my love of wrestling that it’s true: My WWE action figures came to life … and then turned heel on me. I woke up one night with my ankles and wrists tied to the bed with the ropes from my LJN wrestling ring. Looking down, I realized I was surrounded by my wrestling figures. I thought I was dreaming for sure, but then I felt a flurry of tiny elbow drops hit my neck.
Don’t Mess With The Macho Man’s GF
Suffice it to say, my various Macho Man Randy Savage figures had taken the initiative to “liberate” my LJN Purple Skirt Miss Elizabeth from the USPS box I had put her in. “Did you try and sell my lady friend?” one of the Machos asked me. But before I could answer I heard the most awful sound imaginable. The sound of plastic unmercifully ripping from cardboard.
Turns out Miss Elizabeth wasn’t the only one released from packaging captivity that day. Thousands of dollars of well-preserved action figures were out of their shells—and yes, all had turned heel. I started to hyperventilate a little but got snapped back to reality by a Python Punch to the nose, shifting my septum (courtesy of my Jake The Snake Hasbro). “Where’s my snake, where’s Damien?” he kept asking as he dented my nose. I tried to explain that I lost him on a road trip to Parts Unknown back in ’92 but he wasn’t buying it.
THEN … THE VENGEANCE
“Maybe HE can make you talk” said Jake the Snake as King Kong Bundy approached. In creepy unison, my collection of action figures began chanting, “Hungry Bundy” over and over again. It was catchy, and I admit for a second I chanted along. But then I felt tiny pinchers sink into my flesh. “How’s it feel pipsqueak!?” screamed Bundy as he munched on my chin (surely in an act of revenge for all those times I mindlessly chewed on my action figures as a kid).
As Bundy continued gnawing at my face, a rush of fear consumed me as more action figures surrounded my bed. They started to chant, “1-2-3-4, I Declare A Thumb War,” and my thumb wrestlers began crawling up my legs. Mr. Wonderful led the charge along with his partner in crime, Roddy Piper. Hot Rod creeped up to my ear and whispered, “So ya like to poke people do ya? Get ‘em boys!” On cue the thumb wrestlers disappeared from sight, under the covers, into my Ultimate Warrior boxers. Needless to say, it was agony.
And It Only Got Worse
I’m not sure where they got the matches, but small fires were breaking out all over my room. Luckily, the Steve Austins started hitting each other with Stone Cold Stunners (seems like they were under the impression there could only be one true Steve Austin in my collection).
I think once I get out of the hospital, I’m going to start a new collection. I hear Beanie Babies are a thing again; if they ever turn heel on me, at least they won’t beat me in a fight.