How To Stop Santa From Drawing A Dick On Your Face This Year
Christmas truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Who doesn’t love candy canes, a decorated tree, presents, and caroling? But amid all that holiday cheer comes the one part of the yuletide season we could all do without: The face dicks. Every Christmas Eve, Santa rides his magical sleigh to the home of every boy and girl around the world, slides down the chimney, and draws a dick on their face. But this ends now. Here’s how to stop Santa from drawing a dick on your face ever again.
1. Laxative-Laced Milk and Cookies
It’s unclear why we leave out treats for a man coming into our homes to draw dicks on our faces, but nevertheless, it’s customary to leave out milk and cookies for Santa. He can’t resist that lactose bomb, so grind up a bunch of laxatives, mix them in the milk, and let Santa drink it down. He’ll be so paralyzed by explosive diarrhea that drawing a dick on your face will be the last thing on his mind.
2. Booby Traps
Preventing Santa from drawing a dick on your face while you sleep can be as simple as placing a few strategic obstacles around your bed (if he can’t get to you, he can’t draw a dick on your face). And he can’t get to you if you’ve tightly wound string from every bedpost to every piece of furniture in the room. He’ll definitely trip, and he’ll hopefully fall with a loud crash, allowing you to place him in a chokehold, grab his pen, and draw a dick on his face!
3. A Head Covered in Bubble Wrap
Santa is magical, so there’s a chance that he can get past all those other roadblocks. Just in case he does, wrap your entire head in bubble wrap. He can’t draw a dick on slippery plastic, and if he tries, his permanent marker will theoretically pop the bubbles and wake you, enabling you to put him in that chokehold, draw a dick on his face, and then call the cops.
Not today, Santa!