bunnyears

…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…

Which Christmas Tree Is Right For Your Empty, Loveless Apartment?

christmas tree

The holiday season is in full swing, and one of the best ways to get involved is through festive decorations. Well, there are better ways to get involved, like charity and spending time with loved ones, but we’re talking to you, the loveless antisocial ingrate. Theoretically, you’re just as important as everyone who has a normal life, so we at Bunny Ears wouldn’t dream of leaving you out of our holiday guides as long as it meaningfully adds to our click rates. That’s why we’ve prepared this helpful how-to for choosing a Christmas tree that no friend, family member, or lover will get to see and enjoy in your apartment.

If You’re Alone Because You’re Pining For a Happily Married Ex: The Douglas Fir

christmas tree

The classic Douglas fir is a magnificent choice for the hopeless romantic who can’t move on, to the point of alienating all friends and family. While the symmetrical pyramid shape of the Douglas fir reminds you of life’s journey to toward happiness (that you are not on), the strong piney aroma will remind you just slightly of your ex’s shampoo. And because the needles are notably plush, you will likely not scratch your retinas by burying your face into your Christmas tree, pretending just for a moment that you have her back.

DON’T MISS:  Goat Yoga Is So Last Season, So We’re Testing Out All These Animals We Stole From The Zoo

When to dispose of your tree: In 6–12 years, but only if you meet another tree onto whom you can project your feelings.

If You’re Alone Because You Just Hate People: The Scotch Pine

What’s the perfect Christmas tree for a person who hates people? A Christmas tree that hates other Christmas trees! The misanthropist finds a like-minded fellow in the Scotch pine, a shapeless, scentless monstrosity with notably sturdy branches (because it can take care of its own shit, just like you). You don’t need people, and it doesn’t need ornaments. Just shove it in a corner and spend the holidays happily glowering at each other.

When to dispose your tree: December 26th, 12:01 A.M. Just chuck it into the street. Its use has ended.

If You’re Alone Because You’re Needy A.F.: The Artificial Tree

christmas tree

You ditched your best friend because she “stopped making time for you” after having twins, and you aren’t speaking to the fam because they forgot your cat’s birthday. You, my friend, are not capable of the give-and-take of life with a real tree because you’d inevitably end up resenting it for leaving you when it dries up and dies come January. An artificial tree may be cheesy, but at least you can lock it in your garage forever and ever and it will never leave you, even if it wants to.

DON’T MISS:  Fun Spring Manicures That Leave Clues to a Murder

When to dispose of your tree: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, unless it tries to run. Then, out comes the ax.

If You’re Alone Because People Just Don’t Measure Up To Your Brilliance: The Grand Fir

christmas tree

Your last boyfriend simply could not differentiate a Malbec from an estate-grown zinfandel, and to be frank, your sibling’s degree in literature didn’t seem to cover much Ayn Rand. Truly, it is a burden being so posh and sophisticated, simply because you know you deserve the best in life.

That’s why God designed for you the Grand Fir, an evergreen that can grow to over 200 ft. tall, providing the enormous canvas necessary to display each of your acquired Victorian bric-a-brac ornaments. Of course, you will have no problem paying the usual price of about $300 for these monsters, because it’s not like you need to spend the money on gifts for anyone. They wouldn’t appreciate your taste, anyway.

When to dispose of your tree: Good heavens, that’s the butler’s concern.

If You’re Alone Because You’re Too Much: The Noble Fir

You’re not just quirky, you are quirktastic, to the point that your witty deviations from social norms first perplex and then vaguely concern everyone you meet. The perfect tree for all your macaroni “great ladies of fiction” ornaments is the noble fir, a tree as quirky as you!

DON’T MISS:  How to Find a Yoga Teacher Who Isn’t Dating Your Ex

We’re not super sure this Christmas tree isn’t actually a cactus, and you find that adorable instead of an obvious rip-off by the tree lobby. It will never criticize your accordion jams and cheerfully participate in all your imaginary conversations. You keep being you, and it’ll keep being a bizarre, patchy cactus masquerading as a Christmas tree.

When to dispose of your tree: February or maybe September! Who knows. Stuff just happens.

Featured: PexelsPexelsPixabayPexelsPexels, U.S. Forest Service

You Might Also Like

Using Your Love Language To Ask To Speak To The Manager

Get that guy fired—your way.

Read More

I’d Quit My Fashion Job But I Love Dressing Rich People As Literal Dicks

For me, it started small. It was a beanie that looked like a dick.

Read More

It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals

Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.

Read More
3 Comments

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!