The holiday season is in full swing, and one of the best ways to get involved is through festive decorations. Well, there are better ways to get involved, like charity and spending time with loved ones, but we’re talking to you, the loveless antisocial ingrate. Theoretically, you’re just as important as everyone who has a normal life, so we at Bunny Ears wouldn’t dream of leaving you out of our holiday guides as long as it meaningfully adds to our click rates. That’s why we’ve prepared this helpful how-to for choosing a Christmas tree that no friend, family member, or lover will get to see and enjoy in your apartment.
If You’re Alone Because You’re Pining For a Happily Married Ex: The Douglas Fir
The classic Douglas fir is a magnificent choice for the hopeless romantic who can’t move on, to the point of alienating all friends and family. While the symmetrical pyramid shape of the Douglas fir reminds you of life’s journey to toward happiness (that you are not on), the strong piney aroma will remind you just slightly of your ex’s shampoo. And because the needles are notably plush, you will likely not scratch your retinas by burying your face into your Christmas tree, pretending just for a moment that you have her back.
When to dispose of your tree: In 6–12 years, but only if you meet another tree onto whom you can project your feelings.
If You’re Alone Because You Just Hate People: The Scotch Pine
What’s the perfect Christmas tree for a person who hates people? A Christmas tree that hates other Christmas trees! The misanthropist finds a like-minded fellow in the Scotch pine, a shapeless, scentless monstrosity with notably sturdy branches (because it can take care of its own shit, just like you). You don’t need people, and it doesn’t need ornaments. Just shove it in a corner and spend the holidays happily glowering at each other.
When to dispose your tree: December 26th, 12:01 A.M. Just chuck it into the street. Its use has ended.
If You’re Alone Because You’re Needy A.F.: The Artificial Tree
You ditched your best friend because she “stopped making time for you” after having twins, and you aren’t speaking to the fam because they forgot your cat’s birthday. You, my friend, are not capable of the give-and-take of life with a real tree because you’d inevitably end up resenting it for leaving you when it dries up and dies come January. An artificial tree may be cheesy, but at least you can lock it in your garage forever and ever and it will never leave you, even if it wants to.
When to dispose of your tree: Never ever ever ever ever ever ever ever, unless it tries to run. Then, out comes the ax.
If You’re Alone Because People Just Don’t Measure Up To Your Brilliance: The Grand Fir
Your last boyfriend simply could not differentiate a Malbec from an estate-grown zinfandel, and to be frank, your sibling’s degree in literature didn’t seem to cover much Ayn Rand. Truly, it is a burden being so posh and sophisticated, simply because you know you deserve the best in life.
That’s why God designed for you the Grand Fir, an evergreen that can grow to over 200 ft. tall, providing the enormous canvas necessary to display each of your acquired Victorian bric-a-brac ornaments. Of course, you will have no problem paying the usual price of about $300 for these monsters, because it’s not like you need to spend the money on gifts for anyone. They wouldn’t appreciate your taste, anyway.
When to dispose of your tree: Good heavens, that’s the butler’s concern.
If You’re Alone Because You’re Too Much: The Noble Fir
You’re not just quirky, you are quirktastic, to the point that your witty deviations from social norms first perplex and then vaguely concern everyone you meet. The perfect tree for all your macaroni “great ladies of fiction” ornaments is the noble fir, a tree as quirky as you!
We’re not super sure this Christmas tree isn’t actually a cactus, and you find that adorable instead of an obvious rip-off by the tree lobby. It will never criticize your accordion jams and cheerfully participate in all your imaginary conversations. You keep being you, and it’ll keep being a bizarre, patchy cactus masquerading as a Christmas tree.
When to dispose of your tree: February or maybe September! Who knows. Stuff just happens.