bunnyears

…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….

This Ladies’ Brunch Is A Front For Selling Candles, Isn’t It?

selling candles

This brunch is going to be so empowering and wonderful. We’re going to gossip, do each other’s makeup, and conspire to take down powerful men in the entertainment industry and politics with horrifying stories we just made up for fun—you know, girly stuff! Unless…is Jessica coming? If Jessica is coming then I’m not. She’s gonna try to sell us candles. It’s been ten years. I know a candle trap when I see one.

I’d just love to go to a gathering of women where we don’t pretend these at-home makeup, candle, and dildo sellers are “entrepreneurs” instead of “victims of a pyramid scheme.” And I’d love to be friends with women like Jessica without being added to the same Facebook group every five days. If we’re going to get anywhere in this sexist world, we have to admit when our gender is being conned when Jessica is being conned. And that nobody actively seeks out the smell of teak wood.

Look, I don’t know how Jessica got roped into that candle cult and what they’ll do to her babies if she doesn’t recruit us into selling candles, too, but I’m done wondering. Do you remember last time when we thought we were going to a sex-toy sale at her house? With boxed wine and jokes about droopy husband penises? Nope! Candles. She gave me one of those customized “smells like home” candles as a free gift which was really insensitive because nobody at my home has a nose.

DON’T MISS:  Are Your Crystals Being Tested on Spirit Animals?

Did any of you go to Jessica’s husband’s funeral? IT WAS A CANDLE-SELLING FRONT. I mean, her husband was dead, but when I tried to console her with a Tupperware dish and a book of Lin-Manuel Miranda’s inspirational tweets, she batted them away and offered me a fall candle collection for $59.99. And I felt so bad about her dead husband I had to buy and burn them all. My house smells like a Cinnabon. Thank God nobody at home has a nose. Since Jessica became a part of our friend group all my furniture has been caked in wax. My dog poops wicks.

Look, I really do want to go to this brunch. I want to hang out with other women in a non-baby shower setting more than anything in the world. I want to drink bottomless mimosas and talk about our feelings and connect to the underworld goddess of snakes to bring about the end of men. I want to do all that girly shit! But I just don’t feel like our brunches are a safe space anymore. It’s one thing when Abby brings crystals. Those might actually help us in the upcoming de-penising ritual.

But I’m sorry—I draw the line at Jessica’s candles.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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