This New ‘Sesame Street’ Muppet Teaches Kids About Butt Stuff

For decades, beloved television series Sesame Street has educated young children on everything from counting and numbers, to “non-traditional” family structures, to even addiction. And now—for some inexplicable reason—it’s going to teach your kids about butt stuff.

The show is set to introduce their newest Muppet, Pooter Donkulus, to the neighborhood early next year. We had a chance to “sit down” with Pooter (or technically, the puppeteer who controls him, Chris McDonald) and chat about this new development.

“Being a puppet, I know all about things going up my backside,” Pooter said in a sing-songy voice. “I just want everyone who watches and lives on Sesame Street to know basic safety and maintenance tips for items going in and out of there. First and foremost, kids, never, ever stick anything glass up there!”

We told Pooter that we didn’t think anyone needed to be told that, even children, and he responded by showing us several graphic X-rays and post-surgery photos which he apparently just, like, had on hand?

“Next: cleanliness!” he told us. “Don’t wipe with a handful of shredded cabbage leaves you stole from a salad bar at Sizzler. Sing along with me now!” [Editor’s Note: Pooter broke into song at this point.] “After a number two, that simply will not do! Keep it classy.”

“Now,” he continued, as if we had asked him to (which we hadn’t). “Let’s talk about one, two, three, foreplay. When it comes to fourth-and-a-half base, you can’t just dive in and start munching like Cookie Monster on a pile of snickerdoodles. You gotta tease them a little first. I recommend using a Big Bird feather. They’re gentle, pliable, and you can rub someone’s O-ring from up to three feet away.”

And How Do the Other Residents of This Famous Children’s Show Feel about Their New Neighbor?

“So far, everyone’s kind of been ignoring him,” said the puppeteer who controls Oscar the Grouch. “We’re genuinely all for inclusion on this set, but this honestly seems like a real swing-and-a-miss creatively. Seriously—what the fuck were they thinking?”

The new season of Sesame Street airs on HBO, and is now brought to you by the letters TV-MA.