Grow Your Pubes Now For This Year’s Coziest Winter Blanket—Here’s How

Whether it’s allowing mice to ransack your house rather than upset the ecosystem, or using toilet paper rolls to build tiny lampshades for those mice, we’re all about using, reusing, and even abusing your natural resources. The best way to live sustainably is to look at what you already have and then convince other people that that stuff is extremely cool. Which is why we now invite you to look straight down your pants and envision this winter’s coziest, snuggliest, self-grown pubes blanket.

Pubes Are Nature’s Human Sheep

Just think of the money you’ve wasted on long john’s and bohemian duvets when your body provided you with a renewable blanket right there on your dong or dongette. All these years, you’ve been waxing, shaving, and Bedazzling your pubic hair instead of using it as evolution intended: as your own wool. Well, this is the year, that all changes. By concerted effort, you’re going to grow out those pubes until you have a luscious, luminous, and admittedly oily blanket by the first snowfall.

Navigating Swimsuit Season

It’s going to be difficult to manage poolside as you let your twat-wool begin its journey toward blanket perfection, but don’t let it shame you out of your favorite bikini. Besides, if you’re putting enough effort into growth, you should have a reasonable imitation of a grass skirt by August. Perfect for those end-of-summer luaus!

Harvest Preparations

Once fall rolls around, you should have ample skeins of pubes draping like a glossy bead curtain to your privates. Now is time to think about the best patterns for and approach to creating your blanket. Is your ideal blanket knitted? Crocheted? Perhaps interwoven with strips of brocade? Feel free to spend idle times in meetings and on the bus toying with your natural materials. Take time to focus on what type of pube blanket really will make your friends say “I can’t deny that I always thought you would do something like this.”

Walking Under A Winter Wonderland

When December rolls in, it’s time to roll out your own personal carpet. Now that your pubes have reached 4 feet in length, simply untuck them and wear with pride. No need to detach! By leaving your pube blanket its roots, you ensure that it keeps growing and provides more sustainable warmth. Just think: By next winter, you’ll have enough to cut off and give to a friend without sacrificing an ounce of warmth. Enjoy your nights snuggled up by the fire — but not too close. Those suckers go up like a gasoline rag.

Images: Pexels