All The ‘Real’ Athletes WWE Should Debut To Confuse Fans
Though many WWE fans may not have heard of athletes like Cain Velasquez and Tyson Fury, they’ve repeatedly been assured that they’re from the realm of “real” sports (unlike all the wrestling stuff that WWE now seems to be reminding us is fake). But a little bit of confusion and possible frustration from fans is apparently worth it for all that sweet, sweet mainstream coverage on ESPN 3 at four A.M. To that end, here are some other “legit” athletes the WWE should debut to thoroughly bewilder everyone even more!
Basketball Player John Stockton
Is retired NBA legend and Utah Jazz Hall of Famer John Stockton a fan of pro wrestling? We’re not sure, but we know he’s a fan of pay days, so open the checkbook and start signing, Vince. Standing at 6’1” and weighing in at 175 pounds, the 57-year-old Stockton would be a perfect addition to 205 Live.
Decathletes Dan and Dave
Remember these guys from the 1992 Olympics? You know, the ones in all those Reebok commercials? Sure you do. And Braun Strowman loves running around the ring, so why not have a race? Kayfabe running is exactly the thing that will steal all the young viewers away from AEW.
Armwrestler John Brzenk
The Ultimate Armwrestling League’s right-handed heavyweight champion is considered to be one of the greatest arm wrestlers of all time. So who better to come in and put over Roman Reigns? This will actually be a part of the Big Dog’s Wrestlemania entrance where—on his way to the ring—he will also best the computer Deep Blue in a game of chess and win the unwinnable Kobayashi Maru from Star Trek.
Fencer Pierre Montabelo
He won’t show up on any Google search, but this guy is a French Olympic fencing team alternate. That’s as legit as it gets, if you’re playing fast and loose with your definition and expectations of “legit.” Give this guy and a returning Sandman some kendo sticks and prepare for the most graceful and technical hardcore match you’ve ever seen.
Are you thinking, “Wait … the horse?” Uh, if you mean, “The Triple Crown winning champion,” then yes. Have some respect. And yes, Secretariat is long deceased, but you know who else is dead? The Undertaker! How is this possible? Easy: money. This will also be the main event at the next Saudi Arabia show: “Crown Derby.”