Globalization has a major impact on our daily lives, and—as global citizens who happen to also live in the “Western,” “developed” world, it’s important to consider our impact as alpha-consumers. Specifically by making sure we’re spreading our exploitation efforts equally around the globe (because anything else would be unethical).
So in the spirit of fair and equitable cultural imperialism, here are six countries we here at Bunny Ears think we could all be doing a better job of exploiting for profit right now.
Tanzania is apparently a country and we’re sure that it has some good stuff. We didn’t really look too hard; CSI was on, and the killer was a manicurist! Mostly, what we know it has going for it is a city called Zanzibar, which is incidentally also a great name to slap on artisanal soap or something. According to Wikipedia, their main exports are cigarettes and shoes, and we can totally work in authentic fair-trade cigarettes as the new vaping.
We know what you’re probably asking: “Denmark? But white people already took over there!” But here’s the thing: They’re the closest thing we’ve got to another easily exploitable Scandinavian country (and Hygge is becoming played out). We’re not really sure what we can take from here, but our research shows they seem to have some pretty spectacular rye bread, and we think we can work with that. We’ll get some former Bachelorette star to be the face of our new rye-bread diet, and watch the krones (a quaint local term for dollars!) roll in.
Okay, it’s not technically a country, we get that. BUT, the frosty continent down under Down Under is scoring unusually high on Google searches for “where can I go to escape a fascist regime taking over the world’s largest superpower?” Basically, Antarctica is coming in, baby! And we figure since the glaciers are melting anyway, someone should benefit (a new brand of glacier-melt water, perhaps?). Oh, come on, who are we hurting? The penguins are all going to have to move to zoos anyway once we finish “improving” their habitat.
All the average American really knows about Turkmenistan is that it’s probably sort of like Turkey, but maybe fancier-sounding. And fancier-sounding is great for the beauty industry! We just checked, and their biggest exports are natural gas and petroleum…and maybe we’re crazy, but we feel like the market is begging for a high-end petroleum-powered skincare line. Imagine how good it will feel to smear fresh, organic oil products all over your face. Gold.
Our sneaky little neighbors to the north have managed to avoid our rampant consumerism for far too long. We know you’re up to more than just moose and maple syrup (though we’re planning to kill all your moose, too). And our data shows that the export most alpha-consuming, cisgender women want from Canada is their men. Can you blame us? They’re cheerful, polite, and they can cut down trees without needing to sexually harass us for any and all reasons. Canadian men, welcome to the global market.
Papua New Guinea
Honestly, this was number one on the list until we found out they don’t actually grow guinea pigs here. Seriously, talk about false advertising! However, they do have rainforests (or at least they currently do. Obviously, we’re working on re-purposing those). And ’til all those pesky little one-of-a-kind jungle critters are phased out, there’s got to be a root or a monkey somewhere in there that we can squeeze some kind of serum out of.
Did we miss any?