All The Best Places To Visit Before You Die Next Week
Cigarettes linked to cancer!
…Ophthalmologist: Glasses Are Sexy…
…Scientists find that Vaping is dope AF…
…BREAKING: Grandmother Not Actually As Proud Of You As She Says…
Cancer linked to death!
…City Announces Subway Being Rebranded As “Uber Metro”…
…San Francisco and Oakland make up; will become one city…
…The Academy Awards ‘In Memoriam’ Forgets To Mention Macaulay Culkin For The Third Year In A Row…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…”Peacoat” not what name suggests…
…Secret Ingredient To Sushi Discovered: FISH…
…Murder Victim Speaks Out…
…Teeth Found To Be Tongue Prison…
…Trump Asks Media “What’s A Tariff?”…
…Roast Beef: Lunch Meat or Middle Toe? Little Piggies Respond…
…Police Discover Two Bodies In Witch’s Oven…
…AMBER ALERT: Tiffany Amber Thiessen…
…Man Wakes Up From 10 Year Coma, Asks, “What’s Up With Lance Armstrong?”…
…Quiz: Do You Have A Savior Complex Or Are You Just Jesus?…
…BREAKING NEWS: New Yorkers shocked to learn Staten Island isn’t part of New Jersey…
…Forever 21 Turns 34 this year…
…Queen Kong???…
…Tropic of Cancer sues Caribbean Medical Board for copyright infringement…
…Thoughts and prayers found to be cancerous…
…15 found dead in Warner Bros. Water Tower, at the Warner Movie lot…
…10 Out Of 10 Car Salesmen Agree, You Need A New Car…
…Newest Gaming Trend: Personal Space…
…Christmas Scheduled to Happen Again This Year…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Vacuums Suck…
…Psychic Predicts World Already Over…
…Corks Found To Only Be Holding Things Back…
…“Specialist” not a real designation…
…Local Mom Still Talking About Tupperware…
…Entertainment personality ahead in the polls…
…Medieval Times to get modern update…
…Waldo still missing…
…Quiz: Which 90s Murderer Are You?…
…Forks and outlets: you decide…
…Hillary Clinton Still Roaming The Woods…
…Hats are cool…
…9 Out Of 10 Dentists Agree: Africa Is Not A Country…
…Four turtles and a rat found dead of toxic poisoning…
… Red and Yellow Is The New Black…
…Cancer and Death to marry… cigarettes devastated…
…Colonel Sanders Found to Have Never Served in the Military…
…God found dead in space…
…AMBER ALERT: Amber Tamblyn…
…BitCoins Revealed To Be Pogs All Along…
…Lindbergh baby missing…
…Study finds that 9 out of 10 studies are for nerds…
…BREAKING NEWS: Dumb Is Spelled With A ‘B’…
…RIP KOKO…
…Supreme Court Rules: We Rule! …
…Quiz: Does He Know You’re Illiterate? …
…Mannequins found in store window…
…AMBER ALERT: Spoon; Last seen running away with a Dish…
…Dog’s Feet Smell Like Vacuum Cleaner Bag…
…Snow Is Just Rain That Forgot To Melt…

All The Best Places To Visit Before You Die Next Week

before you die

In Ancient Greece, it was known that the true hero is one who journeys to die without hesitation, but with strength and purpose. Which is why it’s actually super good news that you’re dying next week! You’ve got seven whole days to imbue your life with strength and purpose, and gain the little “hero” badge on your afterlife toga.

Obviously, you’ve got stuff to get through before that poodle gnaws your face off (sorry, just a joke—you’ll die of a heart attack), and we’re here to support you and take care of you in any way that we feel like. That’s why we’ve made this checklist of everywhere you have to go in the next week before that Zamboni flattens your skull (kidding again. Still a heart attack).

That One Relative’s House

die

Ok, it’s probably like your mom or dad’s house, but let’s be clear: We’re total strangers. Which makes it pretty sad that we’re the ones building you a bucket list. Geez dude, how have you been spending your life? Anyway, you’ll definitely want to see your mom or your aunt Sally or, I guess maybe your dad? We don’t know your dad particularly well, but most dads just react to news of their adult child’s impending death with some manly back pats. If you feel like that will be comforting before you die, go for it, but we feel like dad would probably prefer to find out after the fact.

That Place Where You Kissed That Person

die

Since you survived adolescence, we’re guessing there was a special place where you kissed that one person. Could’ve been a guy or a girl—we’re not judging (and again, we’ve never ever met). But there was almost certainly that one time when you were with a person and you were feeling all tingly and you navigated the left/right leaning and then did some tongue-rubbing, which made you feel like tiny starbursts were blowing up your whole body (but mostly your genitals). Totally go back there before you die and relive that, even though he/she is now probably happily married and fulfilled and is not about to die, which—again—you are.

Your Site of Triumph

die

We’re not really sure if you hit a home run, or won the spelling bee, or maybe did a really cool skateboarding trick? Anyway, definitely at some point in your life you set out to do something and probably did it? We assume? It made you feel really good and immortal (which is kind of ironic right now, don’t you think?). When you get to the baseball diamond or whatever, envision yourself at the age of your greatest moment of triumph, and then tell that person they’re going to die a lot sooner than they ever imagined. DONE. We’re making good time now!

A Religious Hotspot of Some Sort

die

Now is definitely the time to get right with your Maker or your Spirit Animal or your Jedi Master or whatever. This is a super good place to confess all your sins, unless they don’t do that in your particular God chatroom. Oh, and if the words, “SEE YOU SOON” boom out from above, don’t worry about it. Happens all the time to people who are dying (like you!).

Some Pretty Nature Place

die

Just in case your life is actually all a movie, and your death is really just a plot point that offers some small chance of escaping the impending darkness, Some Pretty Nature Place is an obvious choice for the final showdown. So go, you, to that big redwood or glistening lake, or, if you’re in Los Angeles, I don’t know, a bus bench or something, and just wait for a while. Gaze out at the majestic view and soak in all the splendor of the universe one last time. Or get some solid Candy Crush rounds in. Honestly, whatever floats your boat. You’re the one dying.

That’s it! That’s literally all there is for you to do before you die! Now that you’ve completed these important journeys to meaningful places, you can finally kick back and wait for that oak tree to smash through your bedroom window and impale you. At which point your heart will cease up and you’ll die of a heart attack.

Images: Pexels, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

Jessica Ellis
Jessica Ellis

Author - Filmmaker - Nonsensical

Jessica Ellis is a filmmaker in LA, has written for HelloGiggles and The Toast, and can be found offering free pies on twitter at @baddestmamajama. She has a limited amount of time for your nonsense.

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