In Ancient Greece, it was known that the true hero is one who journeys to die without hesitation, but with strength and purpose. Which is why it’s actually super good news that you’re dying next week! You’ve got seven whole days to imbue your life with strength and purpose, and gain the little “hero” badge on your afterlife toga.
Obviously, you’ve got stuff to get through before that poodle gnaws your face off (sorry, just a joke—you’ll die of a heart attack), and we’re here to support you and take care of you in any way that we feel like. That’s why we’ve made this checklist of everywhere you have to go in the next week before that Zamboni flattens your skull (kidding again. Still a heart attack).
That One Relative’s House
Ok, it’s probably like your mom or dad’s house, but let’s be clear: We’re total strangers. Which makes it pretty sad that we’re the ones building you a bucket list. Geez dude, how have you been spending your life? Anyway, you’ll definitely want to see your mom or your aunt Sally or, I guess maybe your dad? We don’t know your dad particularly well, but most dads just react to news of their adult child’s impending death with some manly back pats. If you feel like that will be comforting before you die, go for it, but we feel like dad would probably prefer to find out after the fact.
That Place Where You Kissed That Person
Since you survived adolescence, we’re guessing there was a special place where you kissed that one person. Could’ve been a guy or a girl—we’re not judging (and again, we’ve never ever met). But there was almost certainly that one time when you were with a person and you were feeling all tingly and you navigated the left/right leaning and then did some tongue-rubbing, which made you feel like tiny starbursts were blowing up your whole body (but mostly your genitals). Totally go back there before you die and relive that, even though he/she is now probably happily married and fulfilled and is not about to die, which—again—you are.
Your Site of Triumph
We’re not really sure if you hit a home run, or won the spelling bee, or maybe did a really cool skateboarding trick? Anyway, definitely at some point in your life you set out to do something and probably did it? We assume? It made you feel really good and immortal (which is kind of ironic right now, don’t you think?). When you get to the baseball diamond or whatever, envision yourself at the age of your greatest moment of triumph, and then tell that person they’re going to die a lot sooner than they ever imagined. DONE. We’re making good time now!
A Religious Hotspot of Some Sort
Now is definitely the time to get right with your Maker or your Spirit Animal or your Jedi Master or whatever. This is a super good place to confess all your sins, unless they don’t do that in your particular God chatroom. Oh, and if the words, “SEE YOU SOON” boom out from above, don’t worry about it. Happens all the time to people who are dying (like you!).
Some Pretty Nature Place
Just in case your life is actually all a movie, and your death is really just a plot point that offers some small chance of escaping the impending darkness, Some Pretty Nature Place is an obvious choice for the final showdown. So go, you, to that big redwood or glistening lake, or, if you’re in Los Angeles, I don’t know, a bus bench or something, and just wait for a while. Gaze out at the majestic view and soak in all the splendor of the universe one last time. Or get some solid Candy Crush rounds in. Honestly, whatever floats your boat. You’re the one dying.
That’s it! That’s literally all there is for you to do before you die! Now that you’ve completed these important journeys to meaningful places, you can finally kick back and wait for that oak tree to smash through your bedroom window and impale you. At which point your heart will cease up and you’ll die of a heart attack.