If You Really Love Fall You’ll Eat These Fucking Yellow Leaves
The air is crisp and cool and the scent of manufactured pumpkin perfumes the streets. Yep—it’s fall! And who doesn’t love fall? You certainly do, with your collection of earth-toned plaid scarfs and permanently steaming cup from Starbucks. In fact, you might love fall more than just about anyone, and to prove it, we need you to eat a handful of these yellow leaves right fucking now.
You Better Be-Leaf We’re Serious
Look, fall is a popular season. The last five years of autumn have been a passive-aggressive Instagram war about who jizzes over an heirloom apple first, and we’re sick of it. We think, once and for all, it’s time to pick a Winner of Fall. We feel like this final challenge shouldn’t be a problem based on the constant black-and-white photos of you prancing around in maple groves. So eat the leaves. They’re fresh off an oak tree, which you claim to love climbing. Eat. The. Leaves.
We’re obviously not going to threaten you, but we strongly encourage you to eat this stunning bouquet of foliage we’ve picked off the ground. We’re not even going to point out that crisp, golden oak leaves have the basic taste and texture of a kale chip. Instead, we’re just asking: Who even are you if you’re no longer in the running to be the Winner Of Fall?
Are you gonna just slink into winter and spend hours in the cold trying to get the perfect snow angel selfie? Are you going to pretend you like foraging for mushrooms like those insane spring people? Does eating some, yes, slightly muddy leaves really sound so terrible compared to all that? Do you want Julia to be the Winner of Fall? Julia? The girl who said spiced cider is “overrated?”
Autumn-matically Be a Hero!
We can see you’re beginning to see the (golden, autumnal) light. You’re staring down at that pile of leaves like the seasonal salad it basically is. Go ahead: take a nibble. We believe in you. With every dry, clumpy bite you’ll hear the whisper of “I fucking love fall” in the crisp, seasonally-spiced wind.