Men, Stop Tempting Us And Bra Your Balls

We’ve all seen how men are dressing these days. The skinny jeans and basketball shorts that cling to just the right scrotum contours? They know what they’re doing. Men are tempting us on purpose and they should have more self-respect. That’s why I’m proposing that all men bra their balls from now on so I can finally concentrate.

Why Buy the Cow When You Can See the Testicles for Free?

Yes, I know it’s usually bulls who have testicles, but I’m completing an idiom here. And that idiom used to have milk instead of balls. See, what men don’t realize when they walk around with their fun bags all exposed for us to ogle is that they’re making themselves less marriageable. Nobody wants to settle down with some dude whose testicles are out for all the world to see. If I’m courting a man and I see his testicles, I think about all the other women those testicles have slapped against and I am immediately turned off. Bra those things. (I’m trying to help you.)

School Dress Codes Should Require Ball Bras So Girls Can Concentrate

It’s unfair that straight girls get an inferior education just because their minds are evolutionarily programmed to be enticed by exotic, bouncing testicles in their beautiful wrinkle bags. Girls aren’t responsible for their own actions because balls exist, and therefore we must demand that boys bra them so that girls can focus on their schoolwork. Yes, this dress code will make boys feel objectified, but it will also prevent people from objectifying them, thereby making them feel objectified. Really, it’s for their own good.

When I Can See the Outline of Your Balls, It’s All I Can Think About

I’m sure everyone is with me on this: Balls are TOO SEXY. They make us feel inferior. When a man is too free with his balls, it signifies that the world is changing and I don’t like it. It reminds me he is his own person who makes his own choices, and one of those choices is to barely conceal his balls through a thin layer of pants and an even thinner layer of underpants. This simultaneously turns me on and scares me. And it’s all men’s fault that I’m obsessed with their balls. So again, they should hide them with a bra! Thank you.

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