Some people have brown hair, some people have blue eyes, and some people are constantly pursued by the silent figure known only as “The Cloaked Man.” His real name and intent remain unknown (whenever somebody with a Cloaked Man dies, the Cloaked Man just walks away, disappearing into the closest body of water.) He’s assumed to be male, because his body seems masculine underneath the many folds of his dark velvet cloak.
The Cloaked Man doesn’t really do anything besides just hang around and be spooky, but he can be a real pest, especially in the summer. A ghostly, ghastly figure in a hooded robe just seems awkward and out of place at a beach party or a Fourth of July cookout. But fall? That’s the Cloaked Man’s time to shine! Halloween puts a spooktacular thrill into the air, and the Cloaked Man seems right at home at all kinds of autumnal events. The below activities are way more fun when you’ve got the Cloaked Man along for the (hay)ride!
Didn’t you kind of hate it when your parents took you trick-or-treating? They were so lame. They’d just hang out on the sidewalk all antsy while you got your candy, and they didn’t even dress up. The Cloaked Man doesn’t do any of that shit. He’ll go Trick-or-Treating with you (because he goes everywhere with you), and he already looks like he’s dressed up. The people handing out candy might even give him a treat! Sure, he’ll crush the candy into a disappearing mist, but on Halloween, that just looks like a super fly magic trick.
Everybody complains when their spouse or partner wants to go apple picking. It’s a day-long ordeal! First, you drive upstate to where all the apple orchards are. Then you traipse around in the mud for hours looking for good apples, and the best ones are always hanging way too high to reach. But the Cloaked Man takes care of all that! If he’s in the car (or rather, standing on top of the car, as is his preferred spot), his ominous presence forces all cars to stay 50 feet back, eliminating traffic. Then, when you get to the apple farm, he’ll pick all the best apples from even the highest, most tippy-top of all apple tree branches. He won’t even eat your apples, because all the Cloaked Man eats are handfuls of soil.
The Cloaked Man tags along here, too (obviously). He’s so naturally ominous that he’ll blend right in. At the scarier moments, he’ll even chuckle if he’s in a good mood. Bonus: The Cloaked Man might be so terrifying that the people who run the haunted house may offer him a seasonal job, which would give you a nice break from the Cloaked Man.
Screenings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show
Every single one of the many Cloaked Men love going to midnight showings of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. They’ve attended thousand of screenings, and when the moderator asks if they’re “virgins,” they always say yes, because they want to go up on stage and do something crazy, like participate in an “orgasm contest.” The Cloaked Man always wins, which means free drinks for his entire party—which includes you!
Leaf Pile Fun
There’s no fall activity more festive than raking up leaves into a huge pile and then jumping right on in. And when you’re ready to put them all in bags, just call the Cloaked Man on over for his turn. When his haunted cloak comes into contact with those leaves, they instantly burn away into nothingness. (Note: Never touch the Cloaked Man’s haunted cloak).