Do you feel that chill in the air? Unfortunately, it’s climate change, but it’s also a sign that winter is here! As the first flakes of lead-contaminated frost water fall, it’s time to design a winter wardrobe that will keep you full of goodwill toward man while smashing your superior fashion vibes in their flu-ridden faces. Of course, the ultimate accessory to any winter outfit is the seasonal hat, so we’ve put together the perfect shopping guide for you. Unfortunately, even though there are many amazing options, simply all of them are going to look like garbage on your potato head.
Wearing a beanie is like giving your whole head a fashionable, sweaty hug. While we can’t argue that the beanie isn’t a classic choice, we must point out that it will make your head look like a sentient volcano. Also, do you have, you know, hair? If so, approximately 45 seconds of any activity will make your head begin to bulge in a manner reminiscent of the tragic lateral bulge on Mt. Saint Helens moments before it blew, killing dozens of people, unless you remain as perfectly still as a fashionable nutcracker. While we respect all winter holidays, there are tragically few that celebrate murderous volcanoes. Definitely skip this.
There are three things associated with le chapeau français: army rangers, mimes, and rabbits with pancakes on their heads. Do you fit into any of these categories? It is doubtful. You will not feel or look good in a beret because you will not be able to escape the feeling of fraudulence pressing into your skull at a 30-degree angle. Family is enough to drive you into some cranberry margaritas—do you really need a head-mounted case of imposter syndrome to add to the burden?
Surely, in this festive wool seasonal hat, your jauntiness will shine through. You will be taken seriously but not too seriously. You’ll be vintage but pretentious. This is the cap of the working class, after all! Now, please take a closer look at the photo above, from the beloved Disney musical Newsies. Do you notice, critically, who is not wearing the famed cap? Why, yes, it’s baby Christian Bale, standing dead center and being the hero. Ask yourself: Do you want to be the nameless sidekick in the winter hat game of life, or do you want to be motherfucking Christian Bale?
“What’s a practical winter hat with a subtle undertone of genocide?” is a question you might be reasonably asking in 2018. This brings us to the papakha, popularized by the Cossacks and worn by granddads everywhere who bleed red. This style of hat, made for the brutal Russian winter, will allow you to understand exactly what it would look like if you killed an entire mink, formed it into a cake, and then put it on your head. Do you think you have the facial structure to pull this off? On the plus side, its voluminous confines do allow you to pull it entirely over your face, serving as excellent camouflage if you need to hide your head among a pack of live beavers. But don’t expect them to be okay with that.
The Santa Hat
This seasonal hat doesn’t look terrible just because you, personally, cannot pull it off. It’s your desire to play God with the whims of fate that ruins this choice. A Santa hat is emblematic of seasonal whimsy and fun, which makes it the worst possible hat to be wearing when something goes terribly wrong. Do you really want to be jingling about like a nanny goat when you get the call that your mother got hit by a car? Do you want your wails to be punctuated by little bounces of your white fluffy bauble? The question isn’t why shouldn’t you wear this hat. The question is what kind of monster you are for even thinking you could wear this hat, and we have no answer. You brought this on yourself. And your mother.