bunnyears

…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…

My Grandma’s Thanksgiving Recipes Taught Me To Understand That Bitch  

For my family, Thanksgiving was always a time of communion, of considering our gratitude, and of worsening our hereditary TMJ by grinding our teeth while my grandmother berated my girl cousins and I for wasting our lives without a man. As the mashed potatoes were passed and the gravy was poured, we all tried to focus on the deliciousness of the food, and not the rant about “getting those immigrants put back where they belong.”

So I had mixed feelings when the old goat finally kicked it this year, until I learned I would be the recipient of her treasured recipe book of Thanksgiving dishes. I would have preferred some part of her three million dollar estate, but there was apparently Muffin the Mini-Poodle to take care of.

Still, as I peruse the pages and read her spidery cursive, I’m reminded of more than thirty Thanksgivings. Unfortunately, I’m also reminded of her hitting me with a ruler when she caught me writing left-handed. But I can’t deny that reading her recipes haven’t given me a greater understanding of the woman my father referred to as an “ignorant witch.”

Cranberry Sauce

thanksgivingServes 28

Take four sheets of gelatin and bloom in a bowl with water and red food coloring

Add one can of cranberries – ONE ONLY – the food pantries always have them cheap

Stir around til solid and cranberries are distributed far enough that those pigs think there’s more.

Chill in the snow.

Grandmother’s cranberries were famous in my family. The little ruby jewels distributed in sparse increments, like hives on your arm after Grandmother forced you to eat pecan pie because “allergies are just weakness.” The gelatin honestly proved to be a great base for our Thanksgiving meal – a industrial-strength gel between the lining of your stomach, and the bile that was about to be served.

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Mashed Potatoes

thanksgivingServes 40

Just boil em and mash em, what are you, French?

A little note at the end addressed specifically to me gave me a strange zing of excitement. She had thought of me! It read: “Jessica, I know these are your very favorite. I’ve watched you shovel them in. Cut the butter in half before your rear gets wider and you can’t attract a man.”

Succotash

thanksgiving

Serves 0

Sounds foreign. I don’t bother.

This one is not surprising from a woman who said drinking Irish Breakfast tea was treason, and only encouraged them to reproduce more.

Gravy

Serves 12

Take last week’s left-over ground chuck

Blend it up with flour and milk and cook til thick

Throw in some mushrooms to fake out your vegetarian cousins – HA!

Grandmother’s gravy was as sturdy as an ox and as thick as the blood clot that finished her off. But I like to think her imprecise measurements as the sign of someone who had lived a long, uncertain life; of a woman wise enough to understand that life is imprecise.

Or she just couldn’t fucking cook, one of the two.

Grandmother’s Old-Fashioned Famous Stuffing, Passed Down From Great Great Great Grandmother Ellis Who Came On The Mayflower

Serves 20

Stouffer’s makes a good one

GODDAMN IT! I KNEW IT TASTED FAMILIAR!

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Perfect Roasted Turkey

thanksgivingServes 25

Honey, you couldn’t cook a turkey well if it showed up on your doorstep with instructions pinned to its severed neck. Bet you’re going to regret all those 99 cent “Best Grandmother” garbage cards you sent me all those years. You didn’t bother to give me any grandchildren, so I don’t see why I should bother to teach you how to cook.

You know what, I’m thinking we’ll go with more of a rotisserie feel for the turkey this year. And I know exactly what I’m going to use for kindling. Happy Thanksgiving, you dead old bitch.

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