My Secret Ingredient Is Love, Which Has Been Recalled Due To Fecal Contamination

People always ask me if there’s some kind of secret ingredient that makes my sourdough loaves and croissants so delicious. I usually say no, but I’ll admit I’m not being entirely honest. See, I do add a little something to everything I bake. The secret ingredient is love, which I recently found out has been recalled due to fecal contamination.

The Secret Is Out

I don’t want you to eat my delicious baked goods one day and then violently vomit the next. As much as it pains me to say it, I’m afraid I’m going to have to remove love from all of my recipes for the foreseeable future until all this gets worked out. I will also be reviewing my bakery’s sanitation standards (hand washing will receive the utmost priority).

This means everything I make is going to be a little less special than it used to. This has (understandably) upset some of my more diehard regulars, who’ve pleaded with me to keep my recipes exactly the same as they’ve always been. I’m flattered some of you are still willing to eat every last crumb of my baked goods no matter what, fecal matter and all. But I cannot in, good conscious, keep feeding you love that has been contaminated, even if it hasn’t hindered the incredible flavor of my cupcakes and key lime pies—both of which are “positively saturated” with fecal matter, according to health officials. Also, legally, I’m not allowed.

We (Dinner) Roll On!

We will remain open! Other than the (temporary) exclusion of my love, the recipes will remain exactly as they were before. They’ll be missing that ephemeral secret ingredient, but they won’t make you relentlessly diarrhea for three days. It’s an even trade, I think.

I know I’ve broken your trust. I just hope you never forget that I take such pride in my baking that you can actually taste the difference. That’s special. That’s unique. A little fecal matter doesn’t change a thing (other than our health inspection score, which has been downgraded from an A to a C-).

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