Coming To Terms With Your Stupid, Normal, Non-Royal Baby
You are a magical and stunning giver of life. So what if that little baby that came out of you is just another dumb baby in the world instead of a royal baby like Meghan Markle’s? Don’t beat yourself up, and definitely don’t glare at your offspring 24/7 as you wonder what you could have done to make sure that you gave birth to a little prince or princess. This is your little prince or princess! Even if we only say it figuratively instead of literally because it has no royal blood. Like none. You checked 23andMe and you’re not even a little related to a duchess or something.
What we’re saying is treasure this baby. Look at their precious little fingers and toes, listen to their sweet cooing noises, and appreciate them as family. Worthless, useless family that will definitely never live in a castle. Probably not even a house, because it’s not born into money. It was just born. Whatever.
Know that you and your partner made this life, and that’s a miracle. Even if, now that you think about it, you could have held out for Prince Harry. You know, made an effort to try and meet him at Soho House if you somehow snuck in. Your cousin knows a guy who was a doorman there and … but that’s not the point. The point is, instead of doing that, think about how you made a little human! With Jeff. I mean Jeff’s fine. It’s fine. His family lives in Michigan and they’re fine. Nothing special, but fine.
Plus, you’re giving your baby a gift that being royal couldn’t. Your little one is able to have a normal childhood! One where they can run and play and scrape their knees … you know, be little tiny average people with nothing to contribute, really. I mean you hope they’ll be brilliant but that’s a super long shot. No one in the family is that smart. If they were royal it wouldn’t matter how smart they were, but they aren’t. So … whatever, it’s fine.
They’d probably look dumb in a crown anyway. So good for you! You didn’t give birth to a royal baby who would look dumb in a crown, and that’s an achievement! You have a nice normal, sweet, normal, little … so incredibly normal baby. Which is just fine.
YES, Meghan and Harry’s baby will be a national treasure, but yours is too (metaphorically speaking). Not enough to have paparazzi swarming around, offering you money for the first photo of the little guy … but your Aunt Gerty won’t stop asking for baby pictures, so that’s kind of the same thing, right? Yeah, you won’t have designers knocking on your door offering to dress you and the baby in matching haute couture outfits, but your mother-in-law did say she would sew some onesies! Same difference. YOU HAVE A CUTE LITTLE BABY! ISN’T THAT ENOUGH?! THAT SHOULD BE ENOUGH.
Whatever, it’s fine.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…