Return To The Pagan Roots Of Easter By Shooting Eggs Out Your Vag
Despite what modern consumerism would have you believe, Easter is NOT the celebration of toxic chocolate candy. And we know this might be controversial, but Jesus ain’t it either. That’s right, we said it! As much as we respect your right to worship as you please, it’s time to stop culturally appropriating Easter and instead get back to its roots as a celebration of fertility. And there’s no better way to do that than making like a chicken and popping out a few eggs!
You may be asking: If Easter is a celebration of fertility, shouldn’t we be squeezing out a baby? We get it—but at the end of the day, nine months of advance planning is a bit much to ask for a holiday that’s usually over by noon. Substituting a ritualized birth for one that will still tear your perineum open seems just as celebratory. Plus, you won’t poop all over your crisp white dress!
Where To Begin
You’ll want to start your preparations by reaching into your artisan chicken coop and grabbing a dozen extra-large eggs. At this point, if you have kids, they’ll likely start asking to dye them. While we disavow all commercialism unless we sell it via our holistically-approved website, you might as well let them. Just be sure to use vag-safe dyes. We’re not sure what those are, but definitely ask your doctor. If they can’t answer basic questions about shoving eggs into your cervix, do you really trust them with your pap smears?
Once your dyed eggs are fully dry, it’s important to consider what order you’ll be pushing them up your egghole. Remember to consider color scheme and order—you don’t want to pop two bold primary-colored vag eggs out right next to each other in the daffodils! Take the time to really ask yourself: What kind of display am I making with the eggs I’m front-shitting?
Come Easter morning, once the mimosas are poured, you’ll want the whole family outside to witness your ancient ritual. With all eyes on you, proceed through the garden, popping a majestic squat every few feet. Express a birth cry, and Kegel a little egg baby out. Enjoy the celebratory “ooohs” and “ahhhs” from your audience as you continue this dance of joy throughout the neighborhood,
After finishing your ceremonial baby plopping, un-blindfold the kids (oh, did we forget that part? Yeah definitely blindfold the shit out of them) and let them have at it! There’s likely to be a lot of screaming, possibly from both the adults and kids. It’s wonderful when people get involved in the holidays. And of course, the vag eggs are already hard-boiled, so brunch is served!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…