Are you bored of your usual spa vacations to dull tropical paradises? When you’ve seen one white sand beach, you’ve seen them all. The incessant crashing of waves and squawking of seabirds can turn your spa retreat into a spa defeat. That’s why you should plan your next spacation at our hidden gem: the Centralia Resort, Pennsylvania.
Centralia is a charming slice of classic Americana, full of naturally occurring spa amenities. A coal mine fire that started in 1962 (and continues to this very day!) transformed this bustling borough with a population of 1,000 into a peaceful ghost town with a population of five spa staff members. Think of the privacy you’ll have, with no one around to bother you aside from the occasional EPA snoop.
Sure, there are some hysterical signs warning that “WALKING OR DRIVING IN THIS AREA COULD RESULT IN SERIOUS INJURY OR DEATH,” and that “DANGEROUS GASES ARE PRESENT,” but this is just some legal mumbo jumbo. Let the spa that hasn’t included this in their fine print cast the first massage stone. After all, there’s always going to be some idiot who sticks her head in the sulfuric facial cleansing hole for too long and passes out, ruining it for everybody. Can Centralia Resort be blamed for stupidity just because they’ve advertised the healing benefits of sulfuric cleansing holes? Lawyers may think so, but our hearts are in the right place: next to our spleens, due to a phenomenon called “Hydrogen Sulfide-Induced Cardiac Drifting.”
The truth is that the constant burning of coal mine fire has turned the entire town into an aromatherapeutic hot spa. Charcoal is a natural cleansing filter, so take a deep breath and feel that internal exfoliation. Stay hydrated with Centralia’s finest mineral water. Lead is a mineral, you know. Big Pharma might tell you to avoid it, but it’s present in supplements and gasoline, so it can’t be all that bad. If it can power a car, imagine what it can do for your body!
Forget the sauna—in Centralia, steam rises from cracks in the ground 24/7. Open up your pores with hot plumes of coal steam and let the soothing effects of the carbon monoxide carry you off to a deeply, deeply relaxing sleep. Some worrywarts at the CDC warn that carbon monoxide is “a silent killer,” but that’s only after inhaling it for several minutes. All you need to do is set a very loud alarm clock or have a spotter wearing a gas mask rigorously shake you to rouse you from your reinvigorating stupor.
Did we mention that Centralia Resort is a great weight-loss clinic? You’ll shed those extra pounds at a sometimes alarming rate, becoming thin and pale like a top fashion model. Detritus from demolished buildings (and, of course, the eternally burning coal mine) act as an appetite suppressant so powerful that you’ll resist even the most intense cravings for nourishment, not to mention the vibrant community of tapeworm probiotics in the mineral water.
That doesn’t mean the kitchens aren’t well-stocked with regional foods: hand-picked mutated apples with five cores and a zesty sulphuric aftertaste provide you with 20000% of your daily recommended dose of iron. Enormous, free-range chickens roam the forests, made healthy and abnormally large by the mineral-rich air. The chickens can be a tad aggressive, but we equip each of our valued visitors with a complimentary tranquilizer gun. Stay alert for the sounds of low clucking, and remember that the chickens hunt in packs. Alert a staff member once you’ve tranked your first chicken and we’ll cook it up for you in our hearty, locally grown black tomato sauce.
Of course, what is a spa without luxurious massages? Our staff members are all trained masseuses. Their bony, gnarled fingers are perfect for administering a deep tissue massage. After your muscles are fully tenderized, head over to one of our famous hot springs, fed by the burning coal mine’s drainage tunnels. These highly acidic waters will give you the deepest exfoliation of your life, sloughing off both dead and live skin cells. You will emerge smooth, hairless, and slightly melted. Nothing spells relaxation like being liquefied!
Ditch those bland beaches today and hop on down to Centralia Resort, where mi fuego is su fuego.