Are your testicles smooth, fashionable add-ons or veritable Truck Nutz®? Balls are your body’s ultimate accessory, and you should care for them as such. Wrinkly testicles are SO OUT! You want your testicles to be shiny, spherical orbs for you and your partner(s) to enjoy. Here are some Bunny Ears–approved treatments that will get your balls looking wrinkle-free, perky and youthful!
Plump Plums is a cream rinse that combines vitamin E, jojoba oil, and collagen to ensure ultimate testicular plumpness. Squeeze it on your testicles before a shower, let them steep for 10 weird minutes, and rinse. If you’re one of the sadder, wrinklier ball cases, you may want to leave it on overnight with a shower cap or Ziploc bag. (Note: Ziploc vehemently opposes any mention of their product in this article.)
DIY Scrotum Goo
If you’re hard up for cash, that’s okay! You can create your own testicular wrinkle solution by dipping your balls in white wine vinegar and discreetly putting it back on the shelf for your roommate to continue to use in his cooking. For a tasty (and tingly!) addition for that special someone in your life, you can follow this up by dipping your balls in your roommate’s cinnamon.
“Bee-stung,” in this case, isn’t just one of those fun phrases people use to describe plumping creams. The manufacturer of this product uses 98% pure bee venom, extracted from the finest endangered honey bees. They just throw the honey out. Who needs it? Testicle wrinkle erasure is much more important than food, and unlike other so-called skin-plumpers that don’t actually do anything, your testicles will definitely, um, react to this product.
Looking for a temporary lift on a sexy night out? Buy some testicle tape, lift that tired old scrotum, and tape it from behind. No one will know the difference! Be sure to shave off all your hair before applying the tape. Trust us.
Silicone Ball Injections
This one is high-risk, high-reward! Get yourself down to the nearest plastic surgery clinic that’s actually willing to do this and inject those balls! While milder, newer wrinkle fillers like Restylane and Botox have overtaken silicone in popularity, it’s important to note that the results of these “safer” injections fade and that they are for total wusses. Do you really want to be back at that clinic every 3-6 months to keep your balls looking shiny and new just because silicon “can cause severe infections” and “is extremely painful and expensive to remove”? Hell no! As a bonus, silicone testicle injections will dramatically increase the size of your testicles forever. Hooray! So sexy.
Mack’s Unspecified Sea Mammal Grease
This product is our favorite because we make it ourselves! Don’t ask us how. It is definitely not manufactured in the Bunny Ears office basement where we keep the whales next to the water heater. Nope, definitely not from the whales. That we don’t have. In our Burbank office. Underneath a trap door that says “Caution: Whales.” You want your balls to have Macaulay Culkin’s stamp of approval, don’t you? Buy our grease.
Remove Them Altogether
Let’s be honest, is anyone actually attracted to testicles? We didn’t think so. Get rid of them.