Jackfruit Is The Vegan Alternative To Dog Meat You’ve Been Waiting For

Look, we get it. There’s no need to preach to us about how good dog meat can be, and finding a healthy, delicious, vegan alternative can be difficult. Enter jackfruit, a freaky-looking, spiky fruit native to the tropical lowlands of Southeast Asia. Its meaty texture and neutral flavor will leave you amazed that you’re not eating an actual dog.

No Animals Were Hurt In The Making Of This Penne With Meatballs

Just because you were showing off your home-cooked dinners on social media when a bunch of veterinarians said your meat looked an awful lot like dog doesn’t mean you can’t enjoy all of your favorite meals. Jackfruit can replace the pork in a pulled pork sandwich, or it can masquerade as the tuna in a poke bowl. It can be chili, ribs, Cocker Spaniel, taco beef, chicken nuggets, Doberman, crab cakes, chicken pot pie, Siberian Husky, or cheesesteak sandwiches. It cannot be Great Dane because their meat is too soft and succulent, but Greyhound? Hell yes. And the desserts! You can’t make a sinfully delicious dessert with a Jack Russell, no matter how hard you’ve tried, but the scrumptious sweets you can make with jackfruit are limitless.

A switch to jackfruit means you’ll be doing more than narrowly avoiding career suicide. You’ll be saving yourself the annoyance of stalking train tracks at night to find a stray dog with enough meat on its bones. You might even get to finally retire the trusty, rusty shank that’s gotten you out of quite a few tussles with rail yard transients. Just think of the relief you’ll feel when you realize you aren’t wondering if your friend’s Irish Setter would be delicious in a pita with some tzatziki during a party. You’ll finally be able to walk past a dog park without salivating harder than they are.

Making The (Ol’) Switch(eroo)

Changing your diet on a dime might be a little tough at first, and that’s okay. Just know that jackfruit is such a convincing vegan alternative for dog meat that once your followers learn that this was all just a misunderstanding, you can switch right back to dog. Allow yourself to be the social media villain of the day for having the audacity to think man’s best friend can also be grilled and served with a side of asparagus. In time, all those clueless social media sheep with unrefined palate who called you a monster will revert to their natural state of mindlessly liking and retweeting your teacup Yorkie BLTs like the rubes they are. Bon appétit!

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