Keeping The Spark Of Psychological Warfare Alive In Your Long-Term Celebrity Relationship

Relationships are hard work, whether you’re a Hollywood power couple forever trapped beneath the microscope of public adoration and scrutiny, or some fucking nobody. However, we feel that the burden of maintaining a long-term romantic relationship is borne exponentially more heavily by the very famous (and we are certain you agree). When you and another juggernaut of the film, music, or reality television are seen locking lips in a fine restaurant or are named as witnesses in each other’s divorce hearings, it creates a giddy expectation in the eyes of the world. Indeed, once you start seeing another incredibly famous person seriously, you have to be ready to adjust to them becoming a part of your life, and, more importantly, your brand.

But how do you maintain the magic? What do you do when the relationship becomes stale, or stagnant, with infrequent updates relegated to two or three page scrolls below the masthead on all the major news sites, or, even worse, confined to blogs? How do you keep things interesting, both for you and your partner, and for the millions of adoring hourly employees around the globe, who must be considered an equal part of the relationship?

Luckily, the answer is no different than how you would approach any other relationship, be it between you and your agent, your personal staff, or your family –engage in acute psychological warfare with your partner, both publicly and privately, to make them aware that they are part of your brand/life only for as long as you continue to allow them to be.

Think of every interaction between you as a segment of The Bachelor, or Survivor, where you’re the one with the immunity idol and everyone is watching to see whether you’re going to send your partner to the hot coal challenge, or make out with them in a crowded jacuzzi.

Here are some tips to help keep that spark of mutual mental assassination glowing between you, and ensure that the two of you are never too far from the headlines:

Pretend That You Can’t Remember Your Partner’s Last Name

This is a simple, but incredibly effective power move that neither your partner nor the public will ever forget. Whether you continuously ask them to remind you every time you purchase plane tickets, or pretend not to recognize their full name until the interviewer clarifies “you know, the person you’re dating,” this is a strategy that will dominate think pieces across the internet for the entirety of your relationship.

Ask Your Partner If They’ve Brushed Their Teeth Recently Every Time You Speak To Them

This is a real submarine attack. You can maximize its effectiveness by either pretending you don’t hear your partner when they inevitably question “Why do you ask?” or simply refusing to respond.

Regularly Fake Your Own Death

This is a real time sink, but we promise you, it is well worth the effort. It’s best to stick to horrific auto accidents or plane crashes until you get better at forging human remains, but once you become an expert at passing another corpse off as your own, you can start to get more creative. Before long, your partner won’t be able to trust a report that you’ve succumbed to cancer after a long and heroic battle any more than a voice mail from your publicist claiming you’ve been decapitated by a crew of 17th-century pirate ghosts.

These are just a few suggestions to get you started, but don’t be afraid to try out some of your own gaslighting tactics whenever inspiration strikes you. This will teach both your partner and your fans that to be in a relationship with you is to expect the unexpected, and however they may feel about it, life on Planet You is anything but boring!