You’ll Never Guess The Secret Ingredient In My Leprechaun Blood Cleanse!
I certainly don’t have to tell you about what the Irish call “The Curse of Late Winter.” From late February up until mid-March, every yard, garden, green space, and field is awash in leprechauns. They’re like the opposite of the four-leaf clover in that they are incredibly easy to find and far, far too plentiful. Luckily, these obnoxious little pests are easily captured. Simply set out a bowl of Lucky Charms, and while the tiny red-bearded men nibble away, you just snap their necks.
But stop — do not throw away all of those leprechaun corpses! You really should stick them in an electric juicer to collect that leprechaun blood, and use it for a variety of health and beauty purposes. It’s like spring cleaning…for your insides (and pores)!
Leprechaun Blood Cleanse
Some stereotypes are true, like the one about how Irish women have beautiful, milky skin. They get that with a leprechaun blood cleanse. For centuries, Irish women have consumed a cocktail consisting of a shot of leprechaun blood (about one leprechaun’s worth), with a little bit of Irish whiskey and peat mixed in. That sends all the toxins in the body out immediately. Within minutes of doing your own leprechaun blood cleanse, you’ll notice some remarkable changes. You’ll smell like an Irish meadow, it’ll give you the healthy glow and soft, luxurious skin. Did you know that when she starred on Touched by an Angel, Irish actress Roma Downey was more than 300 years old? She’s attributed her youthful appearance entirely to leprechaun blood cleanses.
The Gift of Gab
One of the most famous bits of Irish lore tells of how kissing the Blarney Stone can imbue one with the “gift of gab.” There’s actually more than one way to become a charming speaker and engaging storyteller overnight, and it doesn’t involve a $2,000 plane ticket to Ireland. It does involve taking a swig of freshly-killed leprechaun blood and swirling it around in your mouth for a while. And just like that, you, too will be able to tell tales of whimsy and adventure just like Frank McCourt. (You’ll also have an Irish accent, but don’t worry — that will fade in about 24 hours.)
When Irish Eyes Are Seeing
Leprechauns have certain natural abilities that us human call “special powers.” Namely, they’re able to locate four-leaf clovers among a huge field of greenery. They can also spot big pots of gold underneath rainbows. Seeing as how four-leaf clovers are extremely lucky and pots of gold are quite valuable, these are enviable qualities. Be jealous and wishful no more, because you, too, can acquire these skills with the simple application of some leprechaun blood. Take a healthy handful of a dead leprechaun’s blood into your hands and thoroughly rub it into your eyes. Suddenly, you’ll see lucky plants and big cauldrons of wealth everywhere you look!
Don’t Throw It Away!
So you’ve used the blood to give your skin a healthy glow, your mouth a gift of gab, etc. Don’t toss those leprechaun bodies into the trash (or mulch pile) quite yet. Respect leprechauns’ guardianship of nature and use every part. For example, their tiny bones make excellent toothpicks. And those pointy feet make great under-the-toilet-bowl cleaning tools. Even their green hats have a secondary purpose. Boil them down for a snack that tastes exactly like potatoes but with only a fraction of the carbs!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…