We Have To Talk About How I Felt Excluded From The Oscars

March 3, 2018 by , featured in Health
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It’s that time of year again: when I sulk in my room, hate-eating a Papa John’s Tuscan Six Cheese pizza by myself while listening to Jewel songs, because I wasn’t invited to the Oscars. We are going on 90 YEARS of the Oscars unfairly excluding me and we need to talk about it.

Why I Should Go

First of all I love the Oscars. It’s probably my favorite award ceremony behind The Billboard Awards, BAFTA, The Willies, and Spike TV’s Guy’s Choice Awards (R.I.P.). I live for the glitz, the glamor, and my chance to see Hollywood – an industry that I’m very much a part of – take a moment to celebrate our unique gifts and the gifts we bestow upon the world. But instead of going, I had to stay home. Again.

Do you know what it’s like watching a room full of your peers smile, laugh, accept big golden statues, and look beautiful in front of the whole world, while you stare into the mirror painting your face as Bill Skarsgård’s portrayal of Pennywise The Dancing Clown from the hit 2017 instant horror-classic It? Because you feel so left out. It’s really not fun and it hurts my feelings.

How are they going to invite Timothee Chalamet – who no one has even heard of – and not even reach out to me, someone who starred in the New Hope Community production of The Music Man in 3rd grade? I don’t even think that kid was born when I was singing my heart out, back on the Minnesota stage. Shining in front of everyone’s parents but my own. Hollywood claims to be an inclusive and welcoming community. It’s what they’re famous for. They should practice what they preach and invite me to the Academy Awards. I mean, I had already told my friends I was going, so what am I supposed to tell them now?

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They Could Have Easily Invited Me

oscars 2018

They could have easily invited me! Jacqueline Durran was nominated for Costume Design TWICE, once for Beauty and the Beast and once for Darkest Hour, and she only brought one plus-one, so that proves there was an extra spot. And she didn’t even paint anyone’s face as an ultra-detailed, screen-accurate version of Bill Skarsgård’s terrifying portrayal of Pennywise The Dancing Clown from the record-breaking 2017 smash hit It. The Academy has been personally victimizing me for years and I didn’t even do anything to them. This needs to stop.

 

Possible Reasons They Didn’t Invite Me

I’ve tried to think of all their excuses for not inviting me, but none of them make any sense.

“We don’t pay for travel.”

That’s fine! I live in Los Angeles. I could have gotten a Lyft to the Kodak Theater and if it was surging, I would have just asked my mom to drive me because it’s on her way to her night job.

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“He probably doesn’t have a tuxedo. We don’t want to bother him by asking him to rent.”

I DO have a tuxedo! I bought it for my friend’s wedding in 2007 and it was really expensive, so I try to wear it at least once a week to get some use out of it. Sure it’s from a convention at which I dressed and acted solely as “Bill Skarsgård’s star-making turn as Pennywise The Dancing Clown from the nightmare-fuel 2017 scream bonanza It, and it’s slightly silly, but that might have actually doubled as a fitting tribute.

“He wouldn’t have a date.”

Wrong! I have a girlfriend so maybe don’t assume things.

“He wasn’t in a movie nominated for any of the awards and he doesn’t work in the film industry.”

This one bothers me because it feels inherently exclusive and I have just as much a right to walk down the red carpet as Jennifer Lawrence or Daniel Day Lewis. They chose to be in movies this year; I didn’t want to be in any movies this year. Not everyone buys into the whole Hollywood scene and their very specific value system. I value things like my family, neighborhood camaraderie, chaos, and good cookin’, so you won’t find me at one of those flashy Hollywood parties. But that doesn’t mean I don’t want to go the Academy Awards!

Please make this right, Academy, or I’ll haunt you for decades after your death.


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20 Comments

  1. Well how about this! I will boycott watching the Academy awards this year for you, I mean I was gonna not watch it anyways but this gives me a better reason.

    1. Pizza while watching Oscars ?
      Dear Macaulay, focus on thé Golden Globes :you can eat during the ceremony. They starved at Oscars (please excuse my English, Im French)

  2. I hate this whole layout I like the podcast itself, it’s very entertaining but I would subscribe to your YouTube channel and I’m sure thousand more would too!

  3. Big Fan Mr Culkin.

    You are my childhood idol and i have posters of you all over the ceiling in my bedroom so i can gaze into your eyes while i drift to sleep. Are you planning any more movies? Hope to hear back soon

  4. It’s all eyes of the modern Caleb’s for the academy. No respect for the legends! Your Co-Starred in Uncle Buck for crying out loud

    #MacForOscars

  5. I agree Quinn.

    You don’t deserve that treatment. So many people grew up watching you and all movies have been way better than the crap they put out these days. Perk up, maybe they will see how loved you are and invite you next year. You could try asking them why you don’t get invited instead of beating yourself up with reasons. All my love.

  6. I attended the Oscars this year. Jealous? You should be, it was fabulous. Duel winner here!
    Best Doesn’t Drop Too Many Bits Of Kibble In The Waterdish AND Best Shitscooper! Take that JLaw! You too J-Lo! AND A-Rod!
    It was the REAL ceremony. The one my cats put on. Through the window. For the cats that live outside and are hungry and freezing and probably preggo. I’m on Bump Watch and shopping for Push Presents online.

  7. You crack me up culk! Are you sure the invite wasn’t lost in the post?? Because your a legend and must have been invited!!!

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