All The Things To Throw Instead Of Your $70 X-Box Controller
With video games like Dark Souls, Sekiro, and Hollow Knight out there, the temptation to throw an expensive X-Box controller at the nearest wall has never been stronger. If you know the feeling, here are the less valuable things I throw when a game is kicking my ass.
He was an airline pilot. He appreciates the chance to fly again.
My Son’s Millennium Falcon Lego Set
It’ll teach him that all your hard work can be wiped away in an instant, kind of like how I was hit away from winning a boss fight when it killed me with a bullshit unblockable attack.
My $600 Smartphone Because I Threw My Wife’s Last Time
Hers exploded real good. Hoo boy, was it satisfying. Plastic over here, microchips over there. I swear, I saw an app icon fly out like it was the satellite dish atop my son’s Lego Millennium Falcon. Best $600 smartphone I’ve ever thrown. Throwing mine was okay, but it turns out it’s way more satisfying when you remove the protective case like I did with my wife’s before I chucked it so hard that every individual piece popped off like it was spring-loaded. Oh, well. Lesson learned.
The Vase Of Expensive Flowers My Wife Gorgeously Arranged
She’s got a real talent for knowing what flowers to put next to other flowers. She could make a career out of it if she wanted, but if she didn’t want this monument to her unexplored genius thrown against the wall because my character keeps falling off the same ledge over and over, she shouldn’t have made it so easily reachable on the console table on the other side of the living room with many strategically placed furniture obstacles in the way.
The Watch My Father Gave Me On His Deathbed
I think he gave it to me so I can have something to remember him by, but now that I’ve thrown it, I have a lot of things to remember him by, like tiny shards of watch glass, a few little gears, and the second hand. The minute hand landed behind the couch. The Roomba will get it.
I can make a dozen more just like him for free. I cannot make a free X-Box controller after I throw it.
The Sonogram Image Of My Future Daughter That My Wife Was About To Show Me
Thanks, Doc, but the pictures I’ll take after she’s born will be way better than that military radar image of a terrorist compound you’re trying to pass off as my daughter — who, I should add, will herself be thrown eventually.
My Framed Anger Management Certificate Of Completion
Boy, did that baby fly.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…