Avoid Fashion Faux Pas When Digging Through Your Neighbor’s Trash

Have you ever eyed a particularly attractive garbage can and wanted ever so desperately to rummage through its bewitching contents, but just didn’t have on the right scarf? Have you ever felt shame when sifting through your neighbor’s trash can because you wore socks with sandals that day? This is the article for you. Here are some fashion tips on how to look absolutely stunning when down in the dumps.

Do: Velvet beret, cashmere turtleneck and black horn-rimmed glasses. Fancy cigarette for good measure.

The one thing that people love more than artists is people who LOOK like artists. Simply look the part and you’ll successfully convince your neighbors that your artistic muse is hiding out in their recyclables.

Don’t: Wearing your neighbor’s clothes.

Sure, with some minor plastic surgery, there’s small chance you might be able to pull off the old “I’m you from the future” ace in the hole, but at that point you’ve got about 5 minutes before the cops come.

Do: Black crepe evening gown,  ebony ankle strap heels, and as much dead animal fur as your bony elbows can carry.

Yes! An absolute KNOCK-OUT for any lonely recycling bin. You’ll look absolutely FEARSOME with a look that sits somewhere between “Don’t mess with me. I’ve got my eyes on a half-finished Lunchable” and “classy”.

Don’t: Tie-dye t-shirt and cargo pants.

Forget about getting away with trash excavation, you’ll be lucky if you can get away with your ‘theoretical’ hash pipe and marijuana stash.

Do: Tan work shirt and matching shorts, brown safari hat, and amber aviators.

Now we’re talking! You’ll look exactly like a suave zookeeper looking for a lost chimpanzee. Nobody will stop to think twice about you and your motives.

Don’t: Postman outfit.

Not only is it in poor taste, but if not properly timed you could end up with serious legal repercussions

Do: Flannel skinny jeans, designer t-shirt, pair of rugged converse and some Buddy Holly frames.

Who wouldn’t be sympathetic to some lost hipster trying to find emotional guidance through two-day old avocado scraps. Bonus points if you can convince them that you’re trying to find your way to the next Abercrombie & Fitch.

Don’t: Flip-flops, beach shorts, and Manimal t-shirt.

It’s like you’re not even trying, dude. If you’re not going to take this seriously, then we can’t honestly offer you proper advice.

Do: Camo jacket, black combat boots, and ripped blue jeans.

Everyone loves the military. Why not show some of that love back with a send-up outfit that’ll score you brownie points with your patriotic suburban acquaintances.

Don’t: Naked.

Dude, no.

Conclusion:

Unfortunately, trash scavenging is still frowned upon in society for various, misunderstood reasons. But someone savvy enough can finesse social etiquette entirely, and harness a fortune of abandoned keepsakes and edibles. If you follow the tips above, you’ll not save those slightly overripe bananas and tomatoes tossed out carelessly by unsympathetic neighbors, but you’ll look good while doing it too.