The Beginner’s Guide To Home Cryogenics
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide, our recurring series where in which our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. This week, we’ll be taking you through:
The Beginner’s Guide To Home Cryogenics
Cryogenics is a cutting-edge technology that involves freezing a person just after their death and preserving their body with temperature-lowering chemicals inside a sub-zero chamber so that scientists in the future may one day revive them. However, it doesn’t come cheap: Cryogenic facilities charge upwards of $250,000. So I say, who needs them?! You can do it yourself right now for a fraction of what the professionals charge. Here’s how to cryogenically freeze yourself at home…and you don’t even have to be dead!
1. Weigh The Pros And Cons
Cryogenically freezing yourself is a big decision and not one to be taken lightly. Before you proceed, you’ve got to be really sure you want to suspend life now to maybe extend it later. Consider all the angles. For example, you’ll say goodbye to all your loved ones, and miss seeing your stepson finally finish HVAC repair school. However, when the scientists thaw out all of the cryogenic people, you’ll be part of the Unfrozen Brotherhood and you’ll get to meet Walt Disney and ask him if he really did hate Jewish people and why.
2. Get Used To The Cold
The main thing you need to do—as one can ascertain from the many self-published e-books on the subject of home cryogenic freezing—is to make your body as cold as possible. And that means prepping your body for extremely cold temperatures for a sustained period of time. Ask your local ice cream parlor if you can lay in their freezer fully nude after they close. Do this every day for at least a month.
3. Eat a Cryogenically-Friendly Diet
Switch to a diet consisting entirely of those Fourth of July popsicles. Eating those will not only get the insides of your body acclimated to relentlessly cold temperatures, but all that sugar will sustain you while you wait for the future in an alien state of physiological limbo. (And also because cryogenics is an all-American science, and those popsicles will tell your insides that you are a real American.)
4. Protect Your Blood (And Butthole)
When your body temperature gets low enough, your heart stops beating, which means your blood stays in one place…and it will coagulate and rot you from the inside out. To avoid this, you could drink some antifreeze (warning: it may kill you). You could also shove as many ice cubes as possible into your anus. These are basically the only two ways.
5. Get A Cryo-Buddy
You’ll need the assistance of a trusted friend, or Cryo-Buddy, to pull this off. Be sure to make them an Official Cryo-Buddy badge. You can do it in PhotoShop or Microsoft Paint!
6. Prepare For The Future
Get some Dippin’ Dots. They’re “the ice cream of the future,” which means you’ll be able to use them as currency in the world of tomorrow. And if you wake up before it’s the future and need a snack, well, there you go.
7. Pack Yourself Away And Say Goodbye!
Strip down to your underwear and have your Cryo-Buddy help you wrap and tie a bunch of icepacks to your arms and legs (you’ll want to look like the Michelin Man). Then, tell your Cryo-Buddy to insert some of those plastic “blue ice” bricks into your undercarriage. Now, climb into a freezer chest (that you’ve emptied and ensured is plugged in), get comfortable, and have your Cryo-Buddy fill up the space around you with ice-cold, two-percent milk. Over the centuries, your body will absorb the calcium in the milk, which will prevent your bones from atrophying. Also, it’s ice-cold, which will help with the cryogenics.
Say bye-bye to your Cryo-Buddy—and the godforsaken present-day—and close up the freezer. Remind your helper to put a brick on top of the lid so nobody accidentally opens it, along with a note that says, “Dear Scientists: Do not open until it is the future.”
We’ll see you in 5,000 years, you pioneer of science!
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