9 Out Of 10 Docs Agree My Lifestyle Is Killing Me, So I Go To The Tenth
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9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree My Life Choices Are Killing Me, So Now I Go To The Tenth

9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree My Life Choices Are Killing Me, So Now I Go To The Tenth

Hello my lovely readers! Considering you are here on our lifestyle blog, I assume you also have a healthy skepticism regarding the machinations of Big Pharma and how it affects the sort of healthcare we have access to. Case in point: I’ve found myself not feeling quite as energetic as my homeopathic advisor and dietician assured me I should be expecting on my current spiritual healing regimen. It’s not like my lifestyle is killing me or anything, but I decided to give western medicine a chance by checking in with more mainstream healthcare professionals, aka sheep… puppets… shpeepets… bah! Talking to these quacks, I’ve been getting the following sort of diagnoses:

9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree:

“I have literally never seen blood lab work like this. You should not be alive right now by any scientific measure.”

“Where do you even get your hands on ‘over-the-counter heroin’?”

“According to this x-ray your intestines have rearranged themselves into an inverted pentagram.”

“You’re showing symptoms of a medical condition I’ve never heard of outside of a Brontë novel.”

“This bottle you brought in isn’t ‘vitamin supplements’ – pretty sure the kids call these ‘bath salts'”

A bunch of highly technical jargon and gibberish, right? Trying to hypnotize me with fancy medical terms so they can trick me into expensive nonsense like “clinical observation” and “ambulatory care sensitive condition procedures.” Get you hooked to a bunch of machines that supposedly “will keep me from literally falling over dead right in front of them,” and then I get billed forever.

They can’t fool me; I’m smarter than that.

9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree My Life Choices Are Killing Me, So Now I Go To The TenthNow I Go To The Tenth Doctor:

Cue Dr. Frank. I don’t actually know his last name because of “legal reasons due to his particular choice in clientele.” How mysterious! He actually doesn’t like me asking many questions at all in fact, so I don’t. I’m assured he is a doctor “of something,” which I assume he can’t legally lie about right? Like a cop; if you ask, they legally have to tell you whether or not they are one.

You hear a lot about the accessibility of medical care. It’s a real hot-button issue. Well get this, all I have to do is send “1423” to his beeper number – yes a beeper number! You know what they say: only doctors and drug dealers have beepers anymore. Anyway, all I have to do is page him and he shows up in my driveway in a windowless van! Talk about accessibility, you don’t even have to leave the house!9 Out Of 10 Doctors Agree My Life Choices Are Killing Me, So Now I Go To The Tenth

The first thing he usually asks is “what kind of pills you want?” which is far more proactive than the Big Pharma zombies… puppets… zombets… bah! Better than those hucksters with the labcoats my family keeps begging me to visit. I remind him of my dietary restrictions and exercise regimen and what sort of weight and energy expectations I want from my supplements and he quickly shushes me with a wave of his hand and a brusque “oh right, you’re that wacky health bitch.”

He dumps handfulls of pills into a cloudy Ziplock bag. I’m assured that some will totally “anti-oxidize my pentium gland” and others will “detox my reflexes.” Also they are all super foods and not tested on animals! Would you believe it? I then hand over an unmarked $100 bill and the transaction is quickly wrapped up.

Take that encroaching globalist illuminati healthcare complex! I am outside of your clutches, out of the glare of your dozens of watchful eyes… hundreds of eyes… crawling on the floor… the sidewalk is melting I need to get inside.

Images: Pixabay, Mario Zucca

Rani Baker
Rani Baker

Not So Good Witch

Rani Baker is a writer for Cracked, Transadvocate, Bunny Ears (I mean) among others and frontperson for hacker punk band Destroyed For Comfort. Created the video games You Can't Go Home, Never Go To Work and Death Sword. Wants to be funnier but also wants you to like her just so, so much.Not a celebrity devil worshiper, or at least not a celebrity.

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