Climate Change Is Causing Men To Rain At An Unsustainable Rate
Have we got alarming news for you! Weather girls around the world have confirmed what many of us already suspected: It is now raining men at an unsustainable rate. What was once considered an isolated incident has become a regular occurrence, with countless people discovering a Chet, Samson, or Lawrence in their backyard—or even through their roof.
We’re all nostalgic for a time when we could say “hallelujah” at the sight of men raining down upon us, but that time has long since passed. Now, the arrival of yet more men, whether they be tall and blond or dark and lean, is only cause for concern. While once a boon to each and every woman who was looking for the perfect guy, these men (who, we must stress, arrive rough, bankrupt, and completely uneducated) are a drain on an economy struggling to support people who came to Earth via more traditional methods (like water births at the city swimming pool).
According to all sources, when the humidity’s rising and the barometer is going low, low, low, the odds that men will rain down upon you increase significantly, especially at half past 10 or later. We can’t turn them away, but—if we don’t find a way to hold back the rain—this problem will become a full-blown environmental crisis. And then we’ll all be out in the streets, whether we want to be there or not.
So while some deniers say we should be wishing for rain, we say: Rain, rain go away, while wondering: Who will stop the rain?