How To Use Dreams To Manifest Your True Power And Also Defeat That Blade-Fingered Snarling Boogeyman Who Keeps Stalking You For Some Reason

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Rejoice, my sweet followers! While the Church Of False-Vestigially regularly discovers many a miracle that we share in our weekly digital newsletter (purchase your subscription at one of my many web pages), there rarely comes such a powerful gift as what I’ve been bestowed so recently.

It happened last Fourth of July as I was resting in the common room, watching the Church’s Laurence Fishburne marathon that several younger followers had organized (Fishburne is one of the few Church-sanctioned actors due to his ocean-positive name). Whilst there, idly enjoying The Colony, I drifted off into a deep and peaceful slumber. It was in this slumber that I learned the true potential of dreams—and our secret ability to manifest powers within those dreams. I also learned that there’s a shank-digited monster man hiding in all our subconscious that we must use our powers to defeat. Also, Zsa Zsa Gabor was there for some reason, but I don’t remember why.

dream power

To find your true power, you must think of your subconscious like a paper mache house, miniature and resting on a desk or bedside table. When you enter this house, you are going to experience things that might make you uneasy at first—moving pig dinners, mirrored hallways, etc.—but will ultimately urge your true power to unlock in a fight or flight response. This subconscious will try to tempt you as well, but you musn’t trust the siren call of a heavenly nurse or deceased loved one, as they will likely betray and bind you with their grotesque oral appendages. The striped demon takes on many forms.

In your dreams, beware of the giant goo-worm that calls you a “bitch”.

Yes, you will be attempted to stop these dreams from happening, even going so far as to take a drug to prevent them. This is but a lie from Big Pharma, who will ultimately stop at nothing to deter you from finding your true potential.

Yes, in this journey of the subconscious, there will be horrors unlike any you’ve seen. Trusty appliances and plumbing will sprout arms and betray you with a snide smile and convenient, demise-related wordplay. The puppet master works in many ways, including tearing out your tendons and literally using you as a puppet. But you can never forget that, in your dreams, you are the wizard master. In your dreams, you are beautiful and bad, able to master the art of the blade. You are super strong, agile, ridiculously acrobatic, even. All you have to do is believe in yourself, manifest your true power, and also defeat this evil charred genie man of your nightmares. The unquiet spirit must be laid to rest. It is an abomination to God and to man.

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dream power

As I continued my deep sleep, learning the ways of unlocking the power of mankind, I could hear the sweet angelic chants of the spiritual choir telling me to “break the spell of illusion” and become a warrior in my dreams. My journey continued, deeper, further, and suddenly the paper mache home—while remaining a horrifying battleground—adopted pastel colors. Once more, furniture and appliances came alive, sprouting nubby arms and giant eyeballs. A disembodied head winked at me, green with decay. Somewhere, a cowboy named Curtis was singing. I felt the distinct presence of a greater evil in this room. A pale devil in a fancy suit awaited me. Awaited all of us. And the only way to stop it is to manifest our dream powers and rise up.

Unfortunately, I woke up not long after, alone in the dark common room, disturbed but not dissuaded from this new calling. Please join me, and together, we can unlock our sleeping powers and defeat the evils of the night.

May you desire to feel the fire that’s comin’ your way,

“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially

Images: PixabayPixabay


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  1. Reading this unlocked a subtle a change about me. My elbow is now a secret pocket, a center console style latch system in which I store Rasinets.

    I’m considering the significance here, because now that I’ve opened it again, the Rasinets are gone–replaced by a bat-winged dog heart. It’s fluttering by my head. It’s singing “Hips Don’t Lie” by Shakira.

    I’m trying to shove this bat-winged dog heart (let’s call him Legz) into my elbow storage but the fucker has aspirations now. Legz would like to win a Pulitzer. Not for literature, but for music. Legz wants to be the next Kendrick. He tells me my capacity to empathize with sentient animal organs is shit. I agree.

    The flapping is quite breathy, and annoying.

    There is a Tide-to-Go pen nearby. I could erase Legz, or if anything, poison him.

    How should I proceed? Thoughts?

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