Which Third-Degree Felony You’ll Most Likely Die In Jail For Based On Your Star Sign

This month’s Bunny Ear’s free horoscope is all about which third-degree felony you’ll most likely die in jail for—based on your sign. A third-degree felony generally includes serious violent or nonviolent crimes, like assault and battery, elder abuse, driving under the influence, bribery, arson, fraud, and a number of drug-related offenses. Jail time can last up to 10 years, which is plenty of time to die there, especially for those hard-living Arieses. Speaking of whom …

Aries: Selling porn to all those kids. In your defense, while you knew you were selling porn to 12-year-olds, you didn’t know it was technically a crime. But the transmission of pornography to a minor is, in fact, punishable by law, and you will definitely die while serving time for it.

Taurus: Beating the shit out of your neighbor’s grown son. Tad might not be what our culture considers a “real” adult at 19, but if he’s old enough to come home for summer vacation and send dick pics to your wife, he’s old enough to take a beating. Unfortunately, the jury was not convinced by this defense, and you’re still going to die in jail.

Gemini: TBD. Your moon sign is strong this month, meaning it’s a toss-up between identity theft and elder abuse. Try your best to keep both impulses in check, because prison won’t be kind to you.

Cancer: Driving home from the McDougal’s Christmas party so drunk you forgot to close both your trunk and hood. This one’s pretty self-explanatory.

Leo: Burning down the Chili’s. There’s no question about it: The management team at that Chili’s did you wrong. However, arson is a serious crime, and people could have died. But don’t worry—you’ll actually thrive in prison and die peacefully in your sleep.

Virgo: Forging all those fraudulent checks. You got greedy, man. A few bum checks here and there would have been one thing, but 900? And all signed over to you from Rider Strong? You had to have known that wouldn’t end well.

Libra: Driving home from the McDougal’s Christmas party so high you cut your own brake lines. No one will ever be clear on why you decided to put your own life and the life of so many others at risk that night, but the state of California will be clear on the fact that you did it while under the influence of a bottle of Jack and what appeared to be several eight-balls.

Scorpio: Kidnapping Jerry. We know, we know. This is technically a second-degree felony. But the stars don’t lie.

Sagittarius: Accidentally killing Jerry. While Scorpio may have kidnapped Jerry, you really screwed the pooch by accidentally killing him. We get it. It was a stressful situation, and you panicked. It doesn’t mean you’re a monster, but it does mean you’ll rot and die in a Texas prison.

Capricorn: Selling all those drugs at the McDougal’s Christmas party. Man, oh, man, the McDougal’s throw a good party. Unfortunately for you, it’s gonna mean seven years in state (technically eight, but you’ll be shivved in the rec room a year before your release date).

Aquarius: Attempting to bribe the school board to ensure Principal Gino’s demise. Not only will this get you arrested, you’ll humiliate yourself and your family in the process. Your own kids won’t even be speaking to you by the time this one’s over.

Pisces: Stabbing Mike in cold blood. Man, you’re so lucky Mike didn’t die and the prosecution couldn’t prove intent. That could have meant some serious time. Not that it matters, because you’re still gonna die in prison without ever tasting sweet freedom ever again.

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