Christmas Cocktails You’ll Love Because You’re An Alcoholic

November 17, 2019 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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There’s no better way to celebrate the holiday season than with a festive Christmas cocktail. Hot, cold, filled-to-the-brim with weird gross creams and spices (and raw eggs, for some reason?), you’re sure to love them—because you have a drinking problem. So in the spirit of the season, here’s a few of our favorite holiday drinks that mostly only alcoholics like yourself will enjoy.

1. Candy Cane Cocktail

1 shot of rum. 1 shot of Peppermint Schnapps. 1 shot of white chocolate liquor, and a candy cane garnish. This sweet treat Christmas drink is perfect for any holiday party, but you’ll probably start slurping on it the minute you read this article because it has booze it it. Jesus, man. I’m worried about you. 

2. Christmas Cookie

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First you need a martini glass to drizzle the chocolate sauce in. Then comes the Bailey’s Irish Cream, Peppermint Schnapps, White Godiva Vodka and half and half. Mmm. After you top it off with a candy cane, some chocolate shavings and a few gumdrops, you’re free to start questioning why you’re sitting alone in your apartment, drinking this sickeningly sweet drink before you’ve even had breakfast. This probably wouldn’t be happening if your family had stayed. 

3. Evergreen Swirl

“Iced Cake” Vodka. Schnapps. A little Amaro Ramazzotti. Some white wine and Fireball. Then a couple drops of green food coloring, and you’re on your way to a night filled with regret. The good news is, at this rate, you might die in your sleep.

4. Santa’s Snack

Okay, this is officially an intervention, because if you’re drinking this liquid diabetes, which is just pouring vodka into an empty jar of cherries, swirling the sugar water and booze together and then downing it in one gulp, then you need help. This is what hitting rock bottom looks like, pal. Seriously, look in a mirror. The sunken, dead eyes. Sallow face. Jaundiced skin. How did it all come to this? You used to be somebody. A family. A job. A Toyota Corolla. Then these damn holiday cocktails came into your life, and now every day is like Christmas morning. Hungover and alone. 

Images: Unsplash, Pixabay, Pixabay


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2 Comments

    1. Funny and informative article. Thanks for writing it. Is it a coincidence that on Funny Twitter “Karen” is always the character that fails to see the funny side or understand the bigger picture? Being insensitive is not the problem. If people are looking forward to drinking these things then maybe they should be made to think about their motivation. Also, people using peer-pressure to make their friends and colleagues drink around the holidays is a huge problem. Maybe a straight-talking article like this might make those people think again about asking Chad three times if he’s sure he doesn’t want a drink. It is that time of the year and Chad is bringing everyone down.

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