Ask A $715 Cashmere Beanie

Welcome to the new Bunny Ears advice column, where our favorite products tell you how to live.

Do Opposites Attract?

Dear $715 cashmere beanie,

I’ve been dating a guy for a few months, and I like him, but we’re complete opposites! I’m a go-getter and a morning person who likes cooking and spending time with my dogs, while he’s kind of a slacker and an extrovert who loves big parties. Can we really make it work?

–Do Opposites Really Attract?

Dear DORA,

You’re obviously afraid of spending a cold winter alone, watching the snow fall outside your window as the heat leaches from your body through your scalp. But you don’t need some party-hardy dog-hater to keep you warm. All you need is a luxurious cashmere beanie. Is $715 a lot of money for a simple beanie? I don’t think so, because I value myself, and you should, too. Think about how much money you’ll save by dumping some slacker who will probably “forget” his wallet every time he orders the salmon. You won’t miss out by staying single and well-hatted. Who needs sex when you have access to the sensuous pleasure of stroking a cashmere beanie as you stare in horror at your credit size statement? The more you stroke, the softer I get—just like your loser ex!

Child Free For Me

Dear $715 cashmere beanie,

My parents keep asking me when I’m going to have kids. So far, I’ve deflected their questions, but the real answer is “never.” How can I tell them without breaking their hearts?

–Kids Are Terrible

Dear KAT,

I’m “frayed” there’s no way to control other people’s reactions to your decisions. What you can control is whether you’re suitably protected if your mother wallops you about the head with a nearby edible arrangement. Will the brutal pineapple toothpicks penetrate your naked scalp? Or will they simply sink into the luxurious softness of the cashmere beanie you’re wearing? The beanie is dry-clean only, so it may be hard to get the pineapple out. If your hat is ruined in the noble service of protecting your head from your mother, don’t worry, I know where you can get more. Why stop at one? If you buy in bulk, there is no discount. We’re not that kind of business.

Getting Even With Dad

Dear $715 cashmere beanie,

I’m a bisexual guy, but I haven’t come out to my dad yet. I don’t think he even understands the concept of bisexuality. Is coming out worth it?

–Bisexual or Bust

Dear BOB,

Don’t stay in the closet. Closets are generally well-insulated and warm, and you need to be a little chilly to get the best use out of an expensive cashmere beanie. You didn’t drop 7.15 C-notes just to sit in a closet with a bare head like some kind of loser getting boned by neither gender. As for your dad not understanding bisexuality: That’s his problem, not yours. He may also not understand how a cashmere beanie could cost $715, but cashmere wool is collected from the necks of extremely well-read goats, and you can’t put a price on luxury. I mean, you can. The price is $715.

That’s all for today, folks! If you have a question you’d like answered by a luxury product, email [email protected].

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