Animal Fruit Carvings So Adorable You’ll Dedicate Your Life To Keeping Them Alive At ALL Costs
It began as a hobby. Truthfully, that’s really all it was. After my divorce, I simply wanted to find some way to occupy my mind and learn a new skill. Animal fruit carvings, I thought. What could be more innocent and charming? I didn’t know. I couldn’t know.
They advise you to start simply with animal fruit carvings. That’s why I began with this very simple banana dolphin.
What could be easier? Just a slit through the stem, a grape in the mouth, and a small dot. I did my best, and then I sat there and admired my work. A lot. There’s not much furniture or a television in the house since Carl left, so I had some time. A few days passed, and something started gnawing at me as my dolphin pals ripened past golden and started to develop those liver spots. On the day they sprang fruit flies, I just thought “Okay, time to get some new fruit and try again.” That was my biggest mistake.
Lemon Mouse doesn’t look harmful, does he? First of all, he looks darn adorable, and I did a great job following the tutorial! Lemon Mouse sat proudly on my counters, but I began to get uneasy when my kids touched him. He was a beautiful mouse, so noble, so alive in a way. When my daughter, Dorie, noticed he was getting a little moldy and tried to throw him out, I screamed. Louder than I intended. How could she just throw him away?? “Don’t worry, Mom, I’ll get you some more lemons,” Dorie said. But something ugly had broken between us forever, and we both knew it.
Gloria The Eggplant Penguin is where things really started to get out of control. From the moment I carved her—her sad eyes staring up at me, reflecting my own clinical depression—I knew I had to keep her safe always. I stored her in my bedroom (okay, in my bed) and covered the evidence of encroaching mold with the liberal application of air freshener. Locking my kids out, I coated her in a clear plastic spray to keep the decay of time off her, but it continued to thwart me like a cruel master. I will not let her die alone! She needs friends!
Owls! You know, owls are full of wisdom, so I thought this one could help me figure out my next move. “Throowwwww ooouuuut allll your frhoooot,” he whispered to me. “Stoppp killing oowwwl friends.” Horrified at my own thoughtlessness, I slapped an orange slice directly out of my son’s mouth and gave it a proper burial. From then on, fruit would only be used to release the animals hidden inside! Thank you, my owl friend! My kids pointed out that I had not fed the cat in days. He means nothing to me now.
I have had to quit my job to care for Benjamin The Crab Apple. Honestly, who cares about rescuing trafficking victims when you’re more urgently needed by a helpless crab of your own? The constant spraying of lemon juice to prevent browning is critical, and after Gloria was dragged away by the mice that have taken over my home, I can’t afford to lose another friend. My children complain that they’re starving, but they can fend for their greedy, human selves. They don’t understand. I made my fruit carvings—their lives are in my hands! I know now what it is to live as a god, to be responsible for your creations big and small.
At last, they came for me when I was trying to nurse my flock of grape hedgehogs at my breast. The orderlies didn’t understand that I am these hedgehogs’ mother and their toothpick stabs upon my bosom are a welcome pain. I have been placed in a small, windowless room, far from the orchards, away from my children and those kids I had with that asshole. Certainly, the people are kind, but they serve fruit cups. I must avenge my family.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…