Here at Bunny Ears we love to accessorize. A statement bag is a great way to show your friends you’re hella good at your job and also capable of staying on a wait list for two years to get what you want. However, while a great bag complements any look, it doesn’t actually help carry any of the emotional baggage you’ve accumulated over the last few decades.
On that note, while the following bags won’t help you deal with stuff like the trauma from your first divorce, they will make you look fierce AF!
A Floral Clutch
This unique floral purse is ideal for a first date—though it won’t hold the childhood pain stemming from your mom’s seven failed marriages or your sister’s untreated Borderline Personality Disorder. You can, however, use it to hold your tears (because you don’t want your date to see the jar you usually use for them).
A casual-yet-chic backpack
This cute little backpack is perfect for a day trip—which is great because a day is all you can handle with your moderate-to-severe agoraphobia. This bag won’t solve that nor help with the separation anxiety you feel when you’re away from your cats, but it will hold a sandwich you can slip a few Xanax into.
The Versace Jeans bag
This Versace Jeans bag will have you feeling like it’s time for a trip to Miami STAT. It’s cute, fun, and perfect for the club. But it won’t hold all the pain you feel about your body dysmorphia. Despite the price, the flashbacks from kids making fun of your thighs in eighth grade gym class are still going to play on repeat in your head as you head to the beach. Just remember: This bag is so gaudy everyone will be looking at it, not you.
Any bag from the Louis Vuitton Jeff Koons Collection
Any of the Jeff Koons purses are a wonderful way to spend thousands of dollars on a bag you could have purchased at a Museum gift shop for $39.99. However, despite how fancy and cultured you may feel as cat-callers yell, “Hey girl, who is Manet?” it won’t solve all the nightmares you have about your ex’s new girlfriend or stop you from stalking her Instagram every three hours. But you’ll at least have the satisfaction of knowing you have a more expensive and more thought-provoking purse than her. Caitlin probably wouldn’t even go to an art gallery for the free wine.