Celebrity Wellness Trends For The Dirt Poor

Celebrities: “they’re just like us”…. except for the buckets of moola they have to spend on their health and good looks. But don’t worry; just because you don’t drive a Maserati or spread caviar on your morning bagel doesn’t mean you can’t look fly AF. We’ve got three hot wellness trends that we’re gonna show you how to replicate on the cheap.

Cryotherapy

Average cost: $90 for a 3 – 5 minute session

Celebs and athletes are paying a primo dollar to trick their bodies into a state of hypothermia. Cryotherapy involves shivering naked in a nitrogen-filled chamber where the temperature dips to about NEGATIVE 150 degrees Celsius. The benefits of entering a polar vortex? Increased endorphin release (ya feel LIT), a boost to the immune system, reduced inflammation, and it claims to speed up weight loss.

Do It The Bunny Ears Way…

Pack some gloves and socks and head on down to the butcher. Upon arrival, ask to use the restroom. Joke’s on them, you’re not there to pee and buy a rump roast, you’re there to feel alive! Head over to the meat locker, strip down to your underwear, put on those gloves and socks, and hop in. Let the adrenaline rush, baby. Make way, we’ve got some lean meat here.

Colonics

Average cost: $95 per session

You’ve got to cough up some big bucks if you want to have your colon cleansed. During a colonic, a massage therapist will rub down your stomach, while your butt is being plugged with a hose. As water is infused up your rear from one tube, another is filtering out feces. Glamorous, as only a celebrity could afford! Colonics claim to reduce bloating, aid in constipation, improve digestion AND your mood. Shit free is the way to be!

Do It The Bunny Ears Way…

Here at Bunny Ears, we don’t pay for anal (usually). If you want to have a real good diarrhea sesh, we have a way to clean your colon for just a few bucks. Head to the store and purchase the colonic cocktail: cottage cheese, cabbage and coffee! Let cottage cheese sit in the sun for about 5 hours. Once ready, eat the cheese on cabbage along with no less than 3 cups of coffee. Sit on the toilet and perform your own self-massage. Let the healing flow begin.

Sheep Placenta Facial

Average cost: $500

Remember when you were in the womb and your skin was hydrated as hell? (That would be insane if you did. You’d probably be subjected to some crazy scientific testing, so we suggest keeping this info to yourself.) Fancy spas in places like London and Los Angeles offer facials in which they put stem cells from placenta on your face offering amazing anti-aging benefits.

Do It The Bunny Ears Way…

This requires you to play the long game but trust us, when the bartender says “ID please” you’ll be glad you did. Find the nearest petting zoo — entry will cost you, at the most, 20 dollars. Time to feed the sheep! Sneak some molly into that pile of feed in your hand. Then, offer your chosen sheep vodka from the sippie bottle you brought with you. Set the mood by blasting from your iPhone, Bonetown classic, R. Kelly’s Bump ‘N Grind, and wait for those sheep to get physical. Befriend the nearest petting-zoo employee and tell them about your deep love of sheep. If there’s ever a sheep birth, can you please, please let me know? The nerd will be happy to help another sheep enthusiast. In about 5 months, be present for the miracle of life. Scoop up the placenta and rub that magical substance all over your face. Be warned: you’ll be banned from the petting zoo for life, but it’s worth it for glowing skin and the forever face of a millennial.