Tips To Hide The Zipper That Attaches Your Face To Your Head
Whether it’s a lack of sleep or an oversized stitch, we’ve all had bad zipper days. You know, those miserable mornings when everyone seems to be staring at your unsightly seams and sliders. But don’t fret, because we’ve got a few tricks to help you feel fresh, fancy, and zipper-free. Who says you can’t keep your face fastened to your head and feel fabulous at the same time?
We all know how the movie stars make their zippers disappear. Makeup magic! And, for our money, none beats Kevyn Aucoin’s Secret Seams kit. With its collection of primers, concealers, putties, and silicone adhesives, your pull tab problems will be a thing of the past. And if you’re willing to spend that extra dollar, certain surgical tapes, rust removers, and full on false faces can work wonders. It helps to consult a professional when attempting this for the first time, but the results are WORTH IT.
We’ve all seen those tacky zipper shields at the convenience store, trying to prey on your zip ‘sitch shame. But did you know there are high-end solutions for your face fastening needs? Forget mesh sheeting and burlap bindings. These aren’t your mom’s zipper shields. Today’s alternatives come in all sorts of high-tech styles, like lathering latex, gelatin gears, and butylated cream cones.
And forget all those jagged hooks! These babies are easy to apply, with a double-sided stick that will attach to your face for hours at a time. Obviously, these aren’t for the gym or any place you’re likely to sweat, but if you know you’re going to be in a bone dry climate, with relatively little hustle and bustle, these miraculous shields will do the trick. Also, they don’t work great in cars for some reason. Or outdoors.
For those fashion-forward friends bold enough to go zipper free, it’s all about heavy duty spring clamps. Oh, we had our doubts, too, but after giving them a shot, we can’t stop raving around the office! Trust us, what you lack in discretion, you’ll more than make up for in flare. From rainbow bright to neon chroma, leopard spots to American flags—if you can think of it, you can get a face clamp of it.
From there, you just need to bunch up a handful of skin, snap that clip open, and clamp away. The bulging skin protrusion, or “skurbs,” have the added benefit of tightening the face, leaving you looking years younger. So go for it! You only live once, and that face of yours isn’t going to last forever. Honestly, they last about five years tops.
As always, men have it easier. They can just grow a beard over their zipper and call it a day. But what about the ladies, whose zips are left exposed to the elements? How are they expected to feel confident in a world that’s stigmatized the very thing keeping their faces attached to their heads?
That’s where fake beards come in. Whether it’s a big bush or a van dyke, a chin strap or some hearty mutton chops, a stylish beard can cover up your zippers and make your face look like it’s actually supposed to be there. And we’re not talking about dime store Halloween costumes here. High-end fake beards, or “feards,” are made from real human hair and designed to snap right into your zipper lattices. Just think: All that ease, and a cool new beard to get to explain to the office!
Go Faceless, Girl!
Who says you have to have a face to face the day? What’s more natural that the real you, full of muscle membrane, pussing mucus, and dried, dripping blood? So tomorrow, when you roll out of your hermetically sealed goo chamber, maybe just skip the part where you put that face on. Remember, having a face is just a social construct, built up over centuries of patriarchal rule. You think cavemen and women were walking around with skin on their front skulls?
Sure, you’ll have to spritz your head every 10 minutes, and the risk of infection is off the charts, but that just comes with the territory for faceless fashionistas like you. So rip that skin sheath off and show the world your disgusting, beautiful real face. Trust us: No one will ever be able to forget it, no matter how hard they try!
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