A Crystal Dildo And My Office Chair Increased My Productivity So Much

December 15, 2018 by , featured in Health
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To be honest, I was pretty skeptical about purchasing my first ever crystal dildo. Even though I’ve worn crystals around my neck like a normal and enlightened person since 2017, the idea of inserting a piece of rock into my nether region sounded awfully cold and quite frankly barbaric. It did, however, remind me of what my mother used to say: “Pleasure is simply a form of punishment.” Mother was never wrong, so I banished my skepticism and bought myself a pleasure wand.

What a discovery! It felt like nothing I’ve ever experienced, like Mother Earth herself was pleasuring me in her signature cold and distant manner. I wanted my crystal dildo inside of me all the livelong day, so I glued it to my office chair. It was the best damn decision I’ve ever made.

Choosing my office chair crystal dildo was relatively easy. I wanted something that would purge all negative energy, both inside and outside of my conscious self. I also wanted it to match the color of my chair, so I chose black obsidian crystal.

Yes, it feels as hard and unforgiving as a mother’s love, but I can assure you that it’s 100% worth the increase you will experience in your overall productivity. Now I want nothing more than to write my daily 3,000-word quota as quickly as possible. Most days, I hit my target by lunch and double my word count by day’s end! Sure, you might struggle with some anal tears, but sleeping with a tampon up your butt is nothing compared to the value of your newfound productivity.

When I sit down to write, I refuse to get up and take a break. The thought of sliding back onto my dildo makes my eyes tear up, so I simply channel that sweet, vibrating energy inside of me and power through. Nothing motivates you more than a piece of hardened molten rock making your butthole throb.

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Not only did my productivity skyrocket, dealing with other people became easier, too! When my boss sent me one of his passive-aggressive emails, I didn’t feel the need to punch down on my keyboard so hard the “T” still doesn’t work. Instead, I focused on the numbing pulsation inside my butt and simply replied “Sorry, my ‘T’ still doesn’t work.” When a crystal denier trolled me on my spiritual blog, I didn’t fly into a raging rant like I normally would when I was still a crystal newbie. (We’ve all been there!) Instead, I wrote a 10,000-word essay about my heightened psychic connection, thanks to the crystal stuck up my butt.

I would highly recommend the black obsidian crystal dildo for your office chair. It truly is the vacuum cleaner of the psyche and also a vacuum cleaner for your butt. Like, literally. I haven’t shit this well in years. Be forewarned, however, that if your butthole becomes too stretchy and you start losing the degree of discomfort needed, you’ll need to buy a bigger crystal. I’m actually sitting on two crystal dildos right now. Also, please, for the love of your insufferable bitch mother, keep it clean, folks. I recommend cleansing your pleasure wand(s) in ocean water and bathing it in moonlight at least once a week. Rejuvenating your butthole with fresh, earthy energy will keep your productivity at maximum level and, fate willing, your boss’s head out of your ass.

Images: Pexels, Pexels, Pixabay


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