So, Batman Has Adopted Your Child

October 15, 2019 by , featured in Comic Books
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So, The Batman adopted your child—potentially against your will. Maybe it was your young daughter who wouldn’t stop fiddling with electronics, or perhaps your mechanic son. While you may feel lost, just know there are resources out there for you. You are not alone. 

Your first instinct may be to contact the police, but this is a mistake for two reasons. One, The Batman is officially considered an “urban legend,” so even when making a report, police often decline to follow up. Two, ACAB: All Cops Adore Batman. It’s a proven fact that the few police who do believe in The Batman overwhelming support him. 

Lawyers may be your next thought. However, while The Batman doesn’t have a history of litigiousness, it has become increasingly less likely for lawyers to pursue cases against him, as A.) His whereabouts and legal name are currently unknown, and B.) The majority of Gotham City lawyers turn into deformed mobsters roughly three months into their careers. 

However, know that there are support groups out there specifically dedicated to this issue. If you’re in Gotham or Blüdhaven, finding one shouldn’t be too hard, but there are also scattered groups all around the globe (The Batman has visited many places, and there are many parents going through this). No matter where you are, you’ll find a friendly ear and a shoulder to cry on. Your grief is real, even though it may be hard to understand for those unaffected by The Batman. 

A final option is to turn yourself into a supervillain (statistically, 78% of the children The Batman adopted have a parent who’s involved in supervillainy). You’ll at least get to see your child at some point again, even if it’s just for a brief moment as The Batman dispenses him/her to break your spine. 

Good luck. Countless families have been torn apart by The Batman, but there is hope.

Images: Pexels, Warner Bros.

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