Macaulay Culkin’s Wellness Island Festival Has Been Regretfully Cancelled
We regret to inform you that Macaulay Culkin’s Wellness Island festival has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances. We understand this comes as a staggering blow to our fans, but rest assured that refunds are being processed and will be mailed out by the end of the next tax quarter. Further questions can be directed to the international crimes court and/or the documentary crew that has been assigned to us, according to standard music festival procedure.
Believe us when we say that no one is more disappointed than we are over the cancellation of Wellness Island, an event that would have seen celebrity gurus such as Tony Little and Don Saladino fight to the death in a motorcycle dungeon for the right to lead you through a weekend of fitness and guided meditation. Mack did his due diligence in renting the necessary yoga studio and steel cage with a nonrefundable deposit, but trust us when we say that the blow of not being able to see Tony Little throw a devastating wheel kick for the honor of preparing your vegetable smoothies or watch you all sweat out gallons of mai tais in child’s pose hurts him more than any dollar amount.
This is a decision that was not made lightly, even after the disastrous trial run of the helicopter joust. Normally, we would’ve simply scheduled another activity for orientation night, such as a talent show or a volleyball tournament, but that turned out to merely be the beginning of the difficulties Wellness Island would face.
As you’ve no doubt heard by now, Post Malone was set to perform on the final night of Wellness Island, but a creature that can only be described as a gigantic crab burst from the ocean and dragged Post Malone away into the depths. Local authorities theorize that the crab was mutated by atomic energy leftover from the Bikini Atoll tests several decades ago but have not been able to offer any explanation for why the crab targeted Post Malone or whether Post Malone’s body will ever be recovered.
Under normal circumstances, we would’ve made a modest donation to Post Malone’s favorite charity and simply scheduled another act to headline the final night of the Wellness Island festival, but 311 was trampled to death in the understandable confusion created by the crab’s sudden and dramatic appearance, and 311 was scheduled to headline the second night of the festival. Jack Johnson was surfing when the crab emerged and was crushed by its powerful legs, and as you know, Jack Johnson was scheduled to perform on the first night of the festival, right after the helicopter joust. On their own, each of these unfortunate events would’ve been a tragic footnote in the Wellness Island legacy, but combined, they seemed like the screed of some higher power telling us the Wellness Island festival was too pure for this world.
When two-thirds of The Offspring were killed in a freak Segway jousting accident after agreeing to fill in for Post Malone, we saw the writing on the wall. Tony Little and Don Saladino were still game to don the iconic spiked armor of WWE legends Road Warrior Hawk and Road Warrior Animal to fight in a cage for your spiritual health, but once the catering service showed up with “salads” made of Little Caesar’s toppings and “vegetable smoothies” juiced from the lettuce pulled from hundreds of Big Macs, Mack made the difficult decision to cancel Wellness Island or at least postpone it until Blink-182’s schedule frees up and the crab can be dealt with.
We thank you for your understanding during this difficult time, and to everyone who was left stranded on an island with a giant mutant killer crab while we fled in the jousting helicopters, we apologize for the inconvenience.