We’re so excited about our favorite green smoothie at Bile, Los Angeles’s opulent private juice dojo, that we decided to try making one at home. The object of our obsession is the Manaus, a jade green superfood confection made with a touch of poison dart frog venom for paralyzing the face’s unnecessary smiling muscles. We would describe the Manaus as “one canopy level below palatable.” It may not taste great, but don’t worry, it’s very expensive. So how could it not be good for you? The Manaus, which costs $50 a pop, contains a proprietary blend of unrealistically high expectations created by the price point and also some mint. We love a good cleanse, and the Manaus delivers. “This smoothie is like a pilates class for your guts,” said Bile head chef Blarnche Su. “It’s more physically demanding than people expect.” He gracious provided us a recipe for their botanical monstrosity.
It seems simple enough. Our smoothie starts with a color-neutral base of pineapple sherbet to which the aforementioned mint and poison dart frog venom is added, plus a dash of sloth-grown algae—that is, the tiny plants that grow on sloths because they move so slowly. (So cute!) However, we quickly ran into a problem with procuring some of these ingredients. After bailing out our intern for breaking and entering (it turns out the zoo is very serious about this kind of thing), we abandoned the Bile list and decided to wing it.
We kept the pineapple sherbet, of course—yum A.F.—but instead of the exotic ingredients, we added banana and good old-fashioned American currency. The $50 green smoothie at Bile has mint in it, and so does ours—U.S. mint! (Would you believe it? Our mint guy is out of town.) We find that a combination of two $20 bills, one $5 bill, and five $1 bills produces a smoothie that our intern described in a taste test as “containing more money than [his] stipend.” (Don’t worry, we do feed him—for instance, this fiber-rich smoothie!) You can use any amount of currency that suits your particular tastes and fiber needs. The important thing is the hedonism of throwing money down the toilet, literally and eventually figuratively. No coins, please!
(Before we go any further, please note that it’s illegal to destroy American currency, including by drinking it. We try to steer clear of destroying small bills and tend to focus more on entire economies through mortgage-backed securities and credit default swaps, but you can’t blend those things into a smoothie.)
Without further ado, here’s the official Bunny Ears smoothie recipe:
- 1 cup pineapple sherbet
- 1 ½ frozen bananas
- $50 paper U.S. currency (we’re really serious about the no coins thing)
Instructions: Add ingredients to blender. Watch the bills being ripped to shreds, and feel the decadence seep into your bones. Laugh maniacally. Someone could have bought groceries with those!