5 Cool Toys You Can Buy Because You’re A Grown-Ass Adult Who Does What You Want
We all know people who are impossibly smug about their “life skills” and “appropriately-timed milestones.” “La-di-da, I own a home, I parent children, I pay taxes, woo-woo look at meeee.” What those idiots don’t realize is that you don’t have to own a home or have children or pay taxes to live a full life. At 34 years old, I’m a certifiable adult, but I do it my way—and I realized I could skip right over that whole “settle down and have a family” step and just go straight to the toy store. So in the spirit of living your best life, here are five cool toys you can buy because you’re a grown-ass adult who knows that you don’t have to be responsible for other human beings to get cool shit.
First of all, Toy Story is a cinematic masterpiece meant to be enjoyed by all ages. This helmet can do so much more for me than some idiot baby. It can block the sound of my neighbors having sex above me. It can protect my head after a drunken evening out. I can even use it to torture my cat—that’s right, I have my own pet—by using the sound feature which says “I have a laser, and I will use it.” I will. Me. Me, me, me.
If you’re a real adult, then you’ve probably seen the movie Big and remember the scene where Tom Hanks rocks out on an enormous keyboard on the floor of FAO Schwarz. Wishes do come true, because you, too, can recreate that magic! This FAO Schwarz mat lines the hallway to my bedroom, and I rock out every night, sometimes until midnight, because I don’t have a bedtime.
Forget that real dog business and get yourself Rollie, the kissing puppy. Rollie wags his tail when I get home from work and gives me sweet keeses all over my adult face. He’ll never poop or stink or die. Being an adult means never being forced to deal with such unpleasant realities.
Kids shouldn’t be the only ones who get to throw dairy products in people’s faces. If anything, adults need the release of a pie to the face way more. I buy full-fat whipped cream, not that Cool Whip garbage my mom bought me as a kid, and I’ll play this game with my friends (and enemies) all night long.
When I was a kid, all the rich girls had the Samantha American Girl Doll, while I had a sock that I named Samantha. Now that I’m fully grown and gettin’ that cash, guess who can roll with the rich bitches? This girl. (You can’t see, but I’m pointing to myself.) My American Girl Doll, Blaire, is the new “it girl” of that crew and way better than Samantha. I get to decide that because I’m an adult and you’re not because you died in that car accident, Kelsey. Who’s laughing now, Kelsey?! (Again, I am pointing to myself.)