Easy Hand-To-Hand Techniques For Fighting A Doctor Who Wants To Vaccinate Your Child

Everyone enlightened with holistic knowledge knows that doctors are the Hitlers of modern history. While peace is the best policy, there comes a time in every person’s life when they simply must fight back against oppression, and in the war for our children’s safety, there is no price too high. This is why, in the interest of self-defense, we’d like to share seven easy-to-learn combat techniques for fighting back against the next white-coated health-führer who tries to stick your baby with dirty chemicals for the veiled purpose of “developing an adaptive immunity that saves millions of lives.”

The Egyptian Crotch-SnarlWhile there’s no evidence of it, ancient Egyptians probably snarled into their opponent’s genital region in order to gain a psychological edge at the start of battle. As if bobbing for apples, the medical defender must bend down at the waist, keeping the torso perfectly straight, until within the immediate vicinity of the attacker’s penis or vagina. Once there, release a guttural growl capable of startling the subject backward. For extra effect, wildly snap your teeth at the air in the manner of a rabid dog.  

Buddha’s Hammer

A little-known fact about Buddha is that he always carried a planishing hammer with him for self-defense, earning him the nickname “Sidd-hurt-ya” among his many friends. Now that your hippocratic Hitler is stunned, use the opportunity to clasp hands and deliver a powerful two-handed blow onto their shoulder or back. Ever watch Star Trek? This is basically that two-handed blow they always use instead of punching, featured heavily due to Gene Roddenberry’s deep interest in the art of Buddhist warfare.

Vegan Eye-Gouge

This eye-gouge is 100% vegan. Once you’ve lowered your medical oppressors stance with the aforementioned hammer, use your thumbs to perform a totally cruelty-free gouging of their eye sockets. While it’s easy to recede pressure in response to the inevitable high-pitched screaming, keep in mind that no animals were harmed in the gouging process, so you are free to indulge the hold for however long you desire.

Human Tusk

Once your subject is desperately palming their disabled eyes, take the opportunity to form a flesh-pyramid using both of your arms and hands. Touch the tips of your fingers to form a 50-degree angle, then thrust the vertex upward into their already agape mouth. Finally, widen your angle to further gag the assailant, using the moment of silence to explain the merits of a vaccine-free upbringing.

Stethoscope Choke

The true weakness of a doctor is their inability to flaunt their falsehood without the presence of a stethoscope around their neck. Luckily, this serves as a convenient tool for temporarily severing their access to oxygen, something most doctors require to perform tasks. With two swift hands, spin your subject around until their back is facing you, then clasp and pull hard on their stethoscope. Once you are confident in the hold, kick out the backs of their knees and allow them to fall slack whilst pulling up on the medical accessory. Our lawyers advise that you do not hold this position for more than a minute.

Hip Toss Into Nurse (Optional)

At this point, there is a high probability that a nurse has entered the room in an attempt to further enable your medical oppressor. At any point during the scuffle, simply create an impact in the primary subject’s abdomen hard enough to fold him or her into a gasping fetus. Use the moment to firmly attach your hands to the attacker’s heaving shoulders and pivot them in the direction of the entering nurse. The impact should be enough to delay intervention for at least another 60 seconds. Use this time to lock the door and disconnect any phone lines in the room. Remember: Cops are enablers in the modern slavery of vaccination and therefore will not protect you.

Benevolent Child-Wielding Carousel Of Doom

Sometimes the best defenses are the ones right in front of you—in this case, the child you are protecting. As with all doctor visits, your little one is most likely sitting on some wax-papered sacrificial altar of lies. While atop this monolith of oppression, his or her position is the ideal holster for the finisher blow. In one swift movement, simply grab onto your child’s ankles before swinging your entire torso in the direction of the attacker.

With enough effort, the momentum will enable you to lock your child into a furious rotation powered by the centripetal force of your movements. Once gaining speed, slowly advance toward the doctor until they are impacted by the adolescent tornado of your own creation. Remember to swing from the legs, as the human skull is the hardest and therefore most protected impact point of the child you are now saving from the dangers of vaccination.