We Invented A Shrink Ray And Then Only Used It On Our Pores

Some scientists think big—but we’re all about thinking small. Which is why we’re thrilled to announce that our R&D team has invented a shrink ray, which we’ve decided to use exclusively on our pores. Shrink ray technology would not have been possible without high-definition video, which forced us to look at our skin in the cruel mirror of reality. Have you ever learned a truth so scary it forced you to take action in order to make concrete change in this world? Not like, a global warming-type truth, but one that really affects you? Same. And now we have a shrink ray that shrinks pores.

Sure, shrinking technology could make that trash island in the Pacific small enough to fit in the stomach of just a single whale. It could also increase the power of modern electronics. But then we’d wind up with even higher-definition video, and the only solution would be an even more powerful shrink ray. It’s simply not worth it.

And sure, we guess we could share this incredible technology with people and groups that want to use it for all that other stuff, but then our beauty competitors would probably also start making shrink rays for pores, and then where would we be? (Answer: less rich.) It’s just not an option.

And trust us: No one else would even want this kind of immense responsibility. There’s a price to pay for perfect skin. For instance, my daughter Cucumber desperately wants a pony, which we could never fit into our penthouse unless my husband gave up his taxidermy salon (can you imagine?). We now have no technical reason not to get her that pony, and it’s putting us in a real bind.

Cucumber also begged us to drive to the suburbs so she could pick a house to shrink and use as a new dollhouse. But I told her you can’t just go around shrinking old Victorians. People live there, and I’m about to have better skin than them.

Isn’t science great?

Images: Unsplash/Amazon