For better or worse, a college degree is no longer enough to ensure your child’s success. When 300 other job applicants all have the same Computer Engineering degrees, only your child’s exclusive early education experience (aka, private preschool) will give him or her the upper hand over the rest of those nerds.
Unfortunately, the snobs running these sought-after programs are fully aware of the power they wield. Their admittance process is entirely arbitrary and designed to make you and your family feel inferior. No matter how many hoops you manage to jump through, it will never be enough. These sick bastards feed on your desperation.
But don’t think all hope is lost. There’s still an effective way to ensure your child’s admittance into a high-end private preschool: blackmail.
But you’ll need to be creative if you want to get the upper hand. These people are among the upper-echelons of society, and your typical blackmailing schemes simply won’t do the trick. Think that photo of the Preschool Dean (they have those now) stepping out with another man will hurt her reputation? Think again. Everyone loves a good comeback story and a solid public apology. Besides, they’re all swingers anyway. And rich people don’t care what sorts of drugs the Applications Officer did in college…or last week. You’ll just embarrass yourself, so don’t even bother.
Try these foolproof extortion methods instead!
Social Media Stalking…With A Twist
Start out with your average social media stalking. As previously stated, you won’t be looking for embarrassing information here, so feel free to ignore any weekend binge-drinking pics or Young Sheldon reaction posts. Instead, keep tabs on upcoming life-altering events. Wedding plans, buying a dog, deciding whether or not to get bangs.
Next, you’ll need to plant yourself in a pivotal position that pertains to a staff member’s big life event. Open a bridal shop and intercept all dress shipments to ensure your competitors’ inventory all ends up in Guam. Send fake invitations for a free hotel stay to all the bang therapists in town. When you’re the only person left for the preschool staff member to turn to, you’ll then be able to leverage what they want with what you need. Gavin gets his impressive preschool education, and Ms. Simpson gets the life-saving cornea surgery she’s been blogging about since November.
Note: You may need to learn how to perform cornea surgery.
Destroy Their Nerd Cred
While this requires some initial set-up, this option is relatively simple and hands-off. Program a bot to sweep the internet for popular pop culture opinions. Then hack your target’s social media accounts and have the bot come down in favor of whatever is least popular. Tell their Twitter followers Brooklyn Nine-Nine was overrated and that they’re just waiting for that Caroline In The City reboot. Have them swear their undying support for DJ Khaled on Instagram. Bonus points if you can get the bot to respond to all photo posts with the thumbs down emoji and all serious life updates with, “Cool story, bro.” After a few weeks of angry DMs and the loss of three-quarters of their followers, your target will be ready to acquiesce to your every demand just to make the madness end.
Start Early…Like Before Your Child Is Even Born
Plan ahead and get a jump start on the blackmail process before your bundle of joy is even conceived. This final method takes the most work and patience, but also boasts the highest success rate.
Find a prestigious preschool worker, preferably a young, trusting one new to the area and eager to make connections. Establish a strong “friendship” with this person by revealing seemingly personal—albeit completely false and ultimately unverifiable—information about yourself. Your “friend” will reciprocate with their darkest secrets. The good shit you’ll never find on Facebook. This is your in. You may feel a modicum of guilt, but remember your endgame.
All’s fair in love and war, and a mother’s love is a goddamn A-bomb.