How To Bedazzle Your Butthole On A Budget
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How To Bedazzle Your Butthole On A Budget

How do you take your beauty regimen to the next level without spending a fortune? Thankfully, we’ve got a solution for you, and apparently, it’s Bedazzling your butthole.

Now, we’re not saying you should do this. We’re not saying anyone else is doing this. What we are saying is, if you’re going to do this, there are ways to Bedazzle your butthole on a budget and make it look like a million bucks.

Granted, you’ve probably never heard about this hot trend, mainly because we just made it up right now. But trust us, it was a big hit at the pitch meeting. Everyone’s got a butthole, after all, and that’s a huge step towards making this happen. Isn’t it about time you were on the cutting edge of something?

We’re not going to claim all the celebrities are doing it. We’re just going to suggest that they might be. How would we know if Brendan Fraser blings out his butt once a month? He could. Dudley Do-Right could have a shiny shitter right now, but legally, we’re not allowed to say he does, because we’re just making this up as we go along.

Regardless, the important point here is, unlike getting vajazzled or Clittered, brightening up your butthole can be done for dirt cheap. How much do you have in your pocket right now? That’s plenty. So, let’s take you through our step-by-step process for turning your turd cutter into a Cher concert and see if this is right for you.

arts and crafts bedazzleFirst, you’ll need a butthole.

Check.

Next, a Bedazzler kit wouldn’t hurt. A word of advice: While perusing your local hobby shop or arts and crafts store, keep the butthole talk to a minimum. Underage artists and model train enthusiasts tend to be a bit uptight when it comes to anus chitchat.

If you feel too weird bringing up butt play at your local Michaels, a dollar store could probably help you out. Maybe just buy some foil confetti or acrylic gems there, actually. Dollar store employees are happy to talk about all kinds of weird things. Believe us, we tried out a variety of conversational horror, and we could not get them to shut up.

Now get some Elmer’s Glue or whatever knockoff brand you got at your local dollar store. Delbert’s or something. Once you’re all stocked up, it’ll be time to get some help. Sadly, a professional butthole Bedazzler can cost a pretty penny—or at least, we assume they would. We were unable to find any, probably because we just spitballed this idea at our editorial meeting like 10 minutes ago. But literally anyone who’s comfortable with buttholes will work for this. We used our intern, Craig. He said he was okay with it, so how were we supposed to know he would freak out and call his parents?

Anyway, once you’ve dropped trou, have your partner, intern, or dollar store clerk pour the Delbert’s Glue or whatever over your butt until it’s nice and pasty. You’ll know the sensation when it feels like you’re wearing a dirty diaper. Now comes the fun part: It’s time to toss those junk jewels at your crap trap like darts at a dartboard, turning that balloon knot into a disco ball. Of course, clear away any excess bling after the fact, so there’s no clogging. The last thing you want is for everything to harden in the wrong place. That’s what happened to me, and let’s just say it’s a good thing I’ve got a standing desk.

Well, that’s it. Now I just need to get on home and show the wife what I did at work today. I assume she’ll be okay with it. She always claims I do nothing.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pexels, Pexels

Brian Steele
Brian Steele

Brian Steele is a writer living in Los Angeles. He's written and produced content for companies such as Funny Or Die, FreMantle Media, IFC, MyDamnChannel, Splitsider and TruTV. You can check out his work at HoltandSteele.com.

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