Recipe: All-Natural Homemade Four Loko
2010 was a dark year: There was that earthquake in Haiti, Ronnie James Dio died, and Four Loko got banned. Sure, it came back, but only as a shell of its former self, with none of the delicious stimulants that got us totally lit. But you’re older now, wiser. You’re horrified that you used to taint your bodily temple with all those chemicals, yet you long for the crisp tang of caffeinated bubbly.
Well we’ve got you covered. Follow the steps below, and you’ll soon be enjoying your very own batch of all-natural homemade Four Loko.
First, you’ll need some booze. Four Loko is/was a malt liquor beverage, so if you’re a seasoned home brewer, that might be a no-brainer for you. If you’re not, be warned that brewing malt liquor at home all but requires a chemistry degree, and chemistry is bad. The more chemical processes a substance undergoes, the less natural it is, and if you don’t know what you’re doing, you could easily create chemicals on accident, and your whole batch will be ruined before it even touches a can. Why not substitute homemade wine? Just stick a bunch of grapes in a bucket under your sink until it starts to kill the insects buzzing around it.
Bonus: no need to add artificial flavors. Grape was always the best one anyway.
Next, you’ll need those all-important stimulants. Original Four Loko contained caffeine, taurine, and guarana, which are all natural herbs available for sale online or at your local natural health store. However, I read an article somewhere that manufacturers of retail herbal remedies are totally unregulated? Like, nobody even knows what’s really in them. You could be getting natural speed, or you could be getting, you know, speed-speed, or Gaia forbid a GMO. You could maybe grow your own taurine and guarana? Possibly? I don’t actually know what plants they come from, let alone how to care for and grow them. Besides, I just wanted some Four Loko, not a goddamn greenhouse.
No, what you’ll want to do instead is get some cocaine. It’s nature’s guarana. I know from those DARE lectures that it comes directly from the coca plant. And sure, sometimes dealers cut it, but at least dealers have regulators. They’re called customers. No one’s going to come back to the guy shilling baggies of baby powder. Just go to a high-end dealer, and at the very most, you’ll get a little bit of baking soda. Yes, it’s a chemical, but a minimal one. People brush their teeth with it. It’s fine.
Once you’ve got your baggie, just throw a handful in the bucket. I don’t know, use your best judgment.
Last but not least, you gotta make it bubble. If you own a soda stream you might be tempted to use it to carbonate your brew, but you don’t want to do that because carbon is a chemical element. It’s right there in the name. Why do you even have a soda stream? Why would you violate pure, clean water like that? Plus, I hear that running anything but water through it can gum up the works and get it all moldy, which is so unnatural. For some all-natural bubbles, pop in Fight Club and let Tyler teach you how to make soap. Add it to the bucket and swish it around until you work up a good, frothy lather.
Now all that’s left to do is fire up the bicycle-powered home canning machine, break out your reclaimed recycled brushed steel cans, and drink up some of that soapy coke wine.