bunnyears

…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…

Recipe: All-Natural Homemade Four Loko

2010 was a dark year: There was that earthquake in Haiti, Ronnie James Dio died, and Four Loko got banned. Sure, it came back, but only as a shell of its former self, with none of the delicious stimulants that got us totally lit. But you’re older now, wiser. You’re horrified that you used to taint your bodily temple with all those chemicals, yet you long for the crisp tang of caffeinated bubbly.

Well we’ve got you covered. Follow the steps below, and you’ll soon be enjoying your very own batch of all-natural homemade Four Loko.

First, you’ll need some booze. Four Loko is/was a malt liquor beverage, so if you’re a seasoned home brewer, that might be a no-brainer for you. If you’re not, be warned that brewing malt liquor at home all but requires a chemistry degree, and chemistry is bad. The more chemical processes a substance undergoes, the less natural it is, and if you don’t know what you’re doing, you could easily create chemicals on accident, and your whole batch will be ruined before it even touches a can. Why not substitute homemade wine? Just stick a bunch of grapes in a bucket under your sink until it starts to kill the insects buzzing around it.

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Bonus: no need to add artificial flavors. Grape was always the best one anyway.

Next, you’ll need those all-important stimulants. Original Four Loko contained caffeine, taurine, and guarana, which are all natural herbs available for sale online or at your local natural health store. However, I read an article somewhere that manufacturers of retail herbal remedies are totally unregulated? Like, nobody even knows what’s really in them. You could be getting natural speed, or you could be getting, you know, speed-speed, or Gaia forbid a GMO. You could maybe grow your own taurine and guarana? Possibly? I don’t actually know what plants they come from, let alone how to care for and grow them. Besides, I just wanted some Four Loko, not a goddamn greenhouse.

No, what you’ll want to do instead is get some cocaine. It’s nature’s guarana. I know from those DARE lectures that it comes directly from the coca plant. And sure, sometimes dealers cut it, but at least dealers have regulators. They’re called customers. No one’s going to come back to the guy shilling baggies of baby powder. Just go to a high-end dealer, and at the very most, you’ll get a little bit of baking soda. Yes, it’s a chemical, but a minimal one. People brush their teeth with it. It’s fine.

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Once you’ve got your baggie, just throw a handful in the bucket. I don’t know, use your best judgment.

Last but not least, you gotta make it bubble. If you own a soda stream you might be tempted to use it to carbonate your brew, but you don’t want to do that because carbon is a chemical element. It’s right there in the name. Why do you even have a soda stream? Why would you violate pure, clean water like that? Plus, I hear that running anything but water through it can gum up the works and get it all moldy, which is so unnatural. For some all-natural bubbles, pop in Fight Club and let Tyler teach you how to make soap. Add it to the bucket and swish it around until you work up a good, frothy lather.

Now all that’s left to do is fire up the bicycle-powered home canning machine, break out your reclaimed recycled brushed steel cans, and drink up some of that soapy coke wine.

It’ll do.

Featured Image: Icons8Wikimedia/Pexels

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3 Comments
  1. hi im sending this from the other side of some new horizon, a blackhole horizon. yeah i kind of didnt make it far after i injected the FL concoction. and all i remember was a reaction. and then i reacted and became conscious of one of my selves floating steadily…and rapidly.. towards that point-of-no-return just before the event horizon of, yes,..a light-sucking cornicopia w a singularity cherry. nevertheless, one of my selves was of course instantly vaporized and the other me (yours truly, i think) watched as all those pretty photons and quarjks spread-shot outward as cosmic radiation. this me just stood(floated…actually not quite sure) in awe and i’m just at this point. although i cant get traction i can do anything else and i wanted to first make sure others knew what might become of them after attempting this recipe. you know, don’t ask that question you were ‘bout to ask because i need the positive energy until i figure this mess out. think ill go mess w ny boss now.

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