Fun Menstruation-Themed Recipes For Your Daughter’s Menarche Celebration Party
It’s time to plan the most important day of your daughter’s life, other than her marriage to a rich Doctor Without Borders. Menarche is a woman’s first period, when she blossoms from a young bud into a magnificent, pimply flower. Too often, a woman’s period is stigmatized and shunned, so no matter how much your little blossom might protest, throw her a lavish party with all of her friends, family, and her crush from school. Elevate her ovulation to a celebration with these tips and recipes to make your daughter’s menarche party the talk of the entire town.
Drinks: Virgin Bloody Marys
The only “dry” aspect of your party for menstruating teenagers will be the drinks! Here’s a fun non-alcoholic cocktail recipe for your daughter and her tween friends:
- ½ cup tomato juice
- 1 tbsp squeezed lemon juice
- A dash of tabasco sauce
- A sprinkle of crushed baby aspirin (for those young women currently having their “lady time”)
- 1 tsp Worcestershire sauce
- Mix all ingredients and serve in “Diva cup” wine glasses, garnish with a slice of lemon, celery stalk, and an olive “ovum.”
Hors d’oeuvres: Jicama Stick “Tampons”
Hors d’oeuvre is French for “knock your guests’ socks off with period-themed treats that are both beautiful and delicious.” Here’s an all-organic appetizer direct from Aunt Flo’s kitchen:
- Wash and peel five organic jicamas. Using your jicama corer, create approximately four dozen jicama sticks. This is your “tampon” base.
- Melt ½ lb of fresh mozzarella curd in a saucepan, adding 1 tsp mahleb spices. Once cheese has cooled, use the Armenian method to pull into threads. These will serve as the tampon “strings.” Use a toothpick to poke a hole in one end of the tampon to insert the mozzarella string.
- Place “tampons” in rows on a serving plate or, for extra fun, in an empty tampon box!
- Next, you’ll want to create the menstrual dipping sauce. Mix red sriracha sauce with 1 tsp lime juice and a pinch of fresh cilantro. Serve in a Georgia O’Keefe flower bowl.
Main Course: Gourmet Pad Thai
- Cook 10 oz pad thai noodles. Set aside.
- Mix lime juice, brown sugar, soy sauce, umami fish sauce, and sesame oil. Set aside.
- Mix 1 tsp sesame oil with 3 tbsp vegetable oil. Heat in pan. Mix in bell peppers, shrimp, garlic, rare sea urchin zest, Rose du Lautrec garlic, black garlic, endangered Acadian Redfish caviar, living coral shavings, ground anise hyssop blossom, shredded white salsify root pre-boiled in acidulated water, red swan bean foam, and green onion. Add noodles and cook until brown. The ingredients will run you from $600-$800, but isn’t your daughter’s ascent into womnynhyood worth it?
- Top dish with eggs “ovari-easy.”
- Instead of regular napkins, use clean sanitary napkins.
- Gluten-free “Oops” Cookies: Create dough using 1 cup sugar, ½ cup grass-fed butter, 1 free-range egg, 1 tsp vanilla extract, 1 ¾ cups gluten-free flour, ¼ tsp salt, ½ tsp baking powder, ½ teaspoon arrowroot, ½ cup Marcona Queen of Almonds powder. Roll out dough and create cookies using a jeans-shaped cookie cutter. Bake at 350° for approximately nine minutes or until golden brown. Decorate with blue and blood-red frosting.
- A Bowl of Assorted M&M’s and Loose Advil: Trust me, this one will be a big hit.
- Uter-US Cake: Call up your local creative cake shop (the same one you used to order a vagina-shaped gender reveal cake) and ask for their uterus-shaped red-velvet cake. When sliced and served, this cake will send a symbolic message: that your daughter’s uterus is everybody’s business, so she might as well get used to it.