Are You In An Escape Room Or Just Being Kidnapped By Your Tinder Date?
We all have those same first date jitters. Will they like me? Will they find me attractive? Will they trap me in a dark basement and force me to play a series of psychosexual head games in the hopes of regaining my freedom? Well, don’t worry, because if you share the terror that a first date might actually try to take you to an “escape room,” like it’s 2016 or something, we’ve got good news. Maybe it’s not an escape room at all! You might just be the victim of a kidnapping.
Now, no one wants to be abducted by a serial killer, but when the other option is a night of solving Al Capone anagrams with your Tinder date, well, you take what you can get. So, to put your mind at ease, here are just a few ways you can tell if your date’s some puzzle solving piece of shit, or just a degenerate butcher hoping to wear your flesh as a skin suit.
DO YOU REMEMBER HOW YOU GOT THERE?
This is a good place to start. You’ll almost certainly remember how you got to an escape room. Whether you met up out front, at a bar around the corner, or your date’s mom’s place, there was most likely a bit of buildup. So, chances are you got to ask: “Really? An escape room? Don’t you want to just, like, get dinner? Or anything else? I mean, I guess they’re cool, but like, isn’t it kind of weird to just dive in when…what’s that? Oh, okay. Fine. If you’re really into them. I’m sure I will…okay, Yes. I get it, alright! I’ll do it. Jeez. I’m sure it’ll be fine. And no, I’ve never seen Rick & Morty.” If you didn’t have this conversation word for word, then congratulations, you’ve been abducted for real.
IS THERE ANY INVISIBLE INK?
Oh god, do you see invisible ink, a talking typewriter or, like, a stuffed crow with a key up its butt? Or is there, maybe, like, a guy with a duster and a neckbeard using an old-timey voice? Now, sure, this could just be your kidnapper, but they’re usually a little less lame than that. Very few kidnappings have themes, for instance, and almost none include Edgar Allen Poe costumes.
HOW MUCH AWKWARD CHIT CHAT IS GOING ON?
Is anyone trying to get to know you? And not in a way where that information could be used to extort money from family or friends, but really banal shit. Have you heard the words, “what shows are you into these days?” Because, I hate to say it, but the minute Ozark comes up, chances are you’re fucked. Try calling the cops. Whether it’s a steampunk themed escape room or a suburban dentist’s secret death pit, would it really be so bad to have the cops put an end to all this right now?
Really, any dead body is a good sign. You’re going to want to check them, though, and make sure they aren’t just a bunch of Craigslist actors who think this is their big break. An easy trick is to ask the body what level UCB class they’re taking. If alive, they’ll be unable to resist answering. But, if they’re dead, like dead dead, like never take another improv class again dead, then you’re probably not on a lame first date at all, and are about to die. Congrats.
IS ANYONE THERE JUST VISITING FROM DES MOINES?
Is there a line of tourists out front who think “this whole thing is neat?” Is anyone selling pictures of you in the ratty lobby, right next to a Hard Rock Cafe? Hmmm, this is still a tough one. While a candlelit collage of you screaming means you’re likely about to eaten by a compulsive masturbator, if they’re selling any of the pics for $19.99 a pop, I have bad news. Chances are your date is about to ask if you want to go get some ceviche at this place he knows around the corner. Either way, it’s time to run.