Alright, we get it already.
We’re all affected by the modern epidemics of plastic, autism, allergies, opiates, and Coldplay. We’re doing our fucking best, okay?
But what about all the other epidemics out there that nobody is talking about?
Read on for the Bunny Ears exclusive scoop on the top ten epidemics long overdue for a proper conversation.
10. People Who Say Superhero Movies Are A “Genre” Instead Of A Continual Reboot Of The Same Exact Movie Over And Over.
Look, it’s a good movie, don’t get me wrong. Superhero movie, yay! But it’s still a movie, singular. It’s not movies, plural. When two movies have more in common with each other than a remake of the same exact movie, they are not different movies in the same genre. They are just the same movie. You know when Gus Van Sant remade Psycho shot-for-shot? Honestly, there was more difference between the two virtually identical Psycho movies than between literally any two Marvel movies. And I say this having liked all the Marvel movies just fine and thinking the Psycho remake was unwatchable. But that just proves my point, doesn’t it? The primary symptom of this epidemic is calling literally anything a “cinematic universe.”
9. People Who Don’t Get Any Tabouleh at Zankou Chicken
I bet you monsters eat the weird pink pickled stuff, too, don’t you?
I mean, we’re currently killing off dozens of species every day, heading for a cataclysmic human-caused mass extinction of species, and yet for some stupid fucking reason we can’t get rid of mosquitos? This is embarrassing, people. We need to get our act together and get rid of more annoying species and less awesome species like rhinos and shit.
What the fuck is dust and is there any way we can rid of it? And don’t fucking tell me it’s “dead skin cells” because then why does it accumulate most in totally empty/abandoned places?
You can’t have a list of epidemics without AIDS. Thirty million dead and counting, not bad, AIDS! If you are living in the developed world, this one isn’t so terrible anymore. I have a couple friends with AIDS and I totally hug them when I see them and everything. Granted, if you are living somewhere in the world where there isn’t access to good healthcare, this is still a total bummer. Please use condoms and get tested, and if you need free needles I know a guy.
4. Otherwise Gritty, Realistic, Hard-Sci-Fi Movies Where There Just Is Normal Gravity On Spaceships Like That’s Realistic Or Okay
Remember when this genre was about encouraging you to use your imagination to think about science instead of getting so high you can no longer tell the difference between the new “Alien” movie and your iTunes visualizer?
3. Putting The Milk In First, Then The Cereal
The first symptom of this frankly tragic and stupid epidemic is when it starts to actually make sense. If you put the cereal in first then add the milk, sometimes you get too much milk, or not enough milk. You can’t see the milk below the cereal. You have to correct with additional milk or cereal. But if you put in the milk, then you just add the cereal and no problem… OH GOD I AM ALREADY INFECTED!
Look, putting the milk in first is weird, okay? It’s just weird. It fucks up the texture of the cereal because you have to pat the cereal down so it sinks into the milk when if you put the cereal in second, you don’t need to manually drown the cereal. I don’t know how to explain it. It is wrong, it is explicitly for sociopaths, it is a disease, and it’s spreading. We don’t need to talk about this epidemic, we need to just make it go away and I don’t know or care how.
2. A Prairie Home Companion
Even with Chris Thile.
AND THE NUMBER ONE EPIDEMIC IT’S TIME WE FINALLY TALKED ABOUT…
1. People Not Liking My Tweets
Aside from that one time where my “Do unto animals as you would have aliens do unto you” tweet got 349 retweets and 832 likes, the vast majority of my 1000+ tweets get little to no love. Sad!
So here are @ScholarNick’s top twelve under-appreciated tweets:
12. Can we have a march to abolish leaf blowers?
10 Jun 2017, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 1 like — from my sister
11. Tell it to my heart
Tell me I’m the only one
Is this really love or covfefe?
31 May 2017, the day of covfefe, O replies, 0 retweets, 4 likes
10. Republicans treat policy like I do when I’m tired of playing a video game and am just fucking around with it like a stupid asshole before I never play that video game again.
16 Nov 2017, 0 RT, 3 likes.
9. I get pissed if a RESTAURANT doesn’t honor my “reservation.” #NoDAPL #WaterIsLife
26 Nov 2016, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 0 likes.
8. please don’t call my hair a “man bun.” i don’t call your tiny dick a “man penis.”
30 Mar 2017, O replies, 0 retweets, 6 likes, which may seem like a lot but this was a really good Tweet so come on.
7. PSA: people don’t ever “misuse” the word “literally”; they just use the word “literally” figuratively, and that’s fine.
29 Jan 2017, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 1 like (thanks Katrina!).
6. Justice is blind. That’s why she’s always stepping on people’s toes.
30 Jul 2014, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 0 likes.
5. people be like, animals showing love is just an evolutionary adaptation for survival. y’all know that’s what human love is too, right?
5 Apr 2017, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 0 likes.
4. “Deductible” is just Latin for “GO FUCK YOURSELF”
2 Dec 2015, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 0 likes.
3. Hillary wore red, blue, then white at each #debate. What is this, France? Wear the colors in the right order, Hillary!
19 Oct 2016, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 1 like — from my dad.
2. This parking meter goes to 9pm?! This is why Hillary lost.
9 Nov 2016, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 1 like — from my wife.
1. A dyslexic boob goes into a bar.
11 Jul 2015, 0 replies, 0 retweets, 0 likes. This one is a thinker. Comment below if you get it!
I hope now that we have talked about these epidemics, you feel much safer!
Honorable Mentions: Homework, Podcasts, shitty unfunny pseudo-journalism, and the lack of likes I get on Instagram.