Signs Your Spouse Is Cheating With a Circus Clown

First of all, we’re so sorry you felt like you needed to click on this article. Whether you’re ultimately right or wrong, feeling distressed about a spouse’s possible infidelity is one of the worst feelings. You’re probably perpetually sick to your stomach and more than a little sad, right? That totally makes sense when you’ve got the sneaking suspicion that your husband or wife has flagrantly rejected their sacred wedding vows in favor of a cheap thrill with some face-painted, horn-honking circus clown.

More than 40% of marriages end because one partner cheated on the other with a circus clown, and while that’s a tragic statistic, you don’t have to be blindsided. Take an inventory of recent events, look for behavioral changes, and see if anything you’re experiencing matches up with these signs that your spouse is getting love from someone that isn’t you, specifically a circus clown.

Phone Issues

They changed their phone’s text alert sound to “HONKY-HONKY.” Whenever it rings, they pick up their phone, hold it so you can’t read what the text says, and laugh. Then they place it on a table face down and turn the ringer off.

Check The Credit Card

You notice a lot of strange charges out of the blue on your credit card statement, and they’re for things you definitely didn’t buy. And you certainly didn’t stay in any fancy hotels downtown lately or go out for clown-burgers and circus-fries 14 times in the last month. You didn’t buy front-row tickets to the circus two towns over, and you would probably remember if you dropped $1,100 on gigantic rubber shoes.

Strange Objects

At home, you look in their messenger bag or purse for the keys to the car and find an object in there you don’t recognize, like juggling balls, gigantic red suspenders, a polka-dotted tie, or a cream pie. They have the audacity to claim that the objects in question belong to one of the kids or even you, but you suspect that they’re lying.

Appearances Are Not Deceiving

It’s no secret that they’ve been taking a lot of pride in their appearance lately, really spending the time to look nice before they go to work or “out” (just “out”) at night. They’ve also been trying out some new “looks,” covering their face entirely in white face paint, drawing a thick red smile around the entirety of their mouth, and completing the look with a rainbow-colored wig. It’s as if they’re dressing for someone, and it’s definitely not you. (It’s a circus clown.)

Whose Trike Is That?

You’re out getting the mail one day when your friendly next-door neighbor asks you about your new tricycle. “I don’t have a new tricycle,” you reply. “Sure, you do,” your neighbor insists. “That tiny little one that was sitting in your driveway for those three days you were away on a business trip.”

They’re Not Just Co-Workers

He or she sure seems to be working late a lot lately. When you ask them about it, they get unreasonably mad and yell at you about how they’re “providing for the family” and “very important at the office!” You drop the issue and decide to surprise them late one night, wearing a trench coat with very little on underneath. Your sexy little idea doesn’t go as planned when you get to the office and discover them eating Chinese takeout and laughing with his new assistant: a giggling 23-year-old circus clown who touches your spouse on the arm a lot.

The Telltale Itch

One day, you notice that you’ve got a horrendous itch “down there.” The next day, it hurts like hell when you pee. You head over to urgent care, they run some tests, and that’s when the doctor drops the diagnostic bombshell: you’ve got clownmydia, an especially virulent strain of chlamydia spread primarily by circus clowns. Now you haven’t had sexual intercourse with any circus clowns, but you have been intimate with your spouse. You got it from them, and they got it from some very filthy circus clown.

The Smoking Gun

To see if they’ve been sending any secret messages, you hack into their email and correctly guess the password. The one you used on a hunch tells you everything you need to know: “CL0wNFucker.”

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